Years ago I enrolled in a class to learn Jin Shin Tara, a bodywork modality based on Chinese medicine acupuncture points. I must admit up front, I didn't like the woman leading the class. She definitely triggered me. She appeared falsely happy to me-like she was faking it. She had that sort of “isn't everything just wonderful!" kind of attitude that lacked a sense of being genuine.
At one point during our weeks of training, the teacher began speaking about the different ways to diagnose imbalances in the body. She talked about skin tones and types in particular. At one point I raised my hand and said, “Well based on this form of diagnosis what do you see in me with my coloring?"
Without even pausing she said very matter-of-factly, “Oh, I see a heart imbalance. " “And what exactly does that mean, " I said. She responded, “You are discontented with God. " Look who's calling the kettle black, I thought.
I took her comments like a trooper and pretended she didn't piss me off, but she did. How dare her tell me what my relationship with God was like based on the coloring of my skin. What a freak-show! I stewed and stewed for days after that until I finally decided to be honest with myself. I was pissed off at God. And I had a plethora of reasons not to be happy with him.
I relayed this story to my coach one day while in session. I complained about what a bitch I thought this teacher was, how inappropriate her commentary was, etc. And then I shared how undeniable a truth it was that my relationship with God sucked!
My coach asked me to describe my God to her, and in doing so I painted the picture of a heartless entity who didn't have my back and didn't love me. He was someone who expected perfection, didn't like my choices, didn't think I was good enough, and thought I should be a better person. He was mad at me for the way I was living my life, and he was ashamed of my decisions. He was always on the lookout just waiting for me to slip-up so he could punish me and make me pay.
Before I could even finish my description of God a light when off in my mind and I experienced an amazing revelation. “Oh my God, “I said. “This isn't God I'm describing at all. . . " “Who is it?" My coach asked me. “It's my father, " I said. Immediately the flood gates opened and I was weeping like a little girl. A deep anger rose within me surpassing my grief. “He stole my God! I looked up to my father as if he was God-I made him God. What the hell was I thinking?!"
I had literally transposed the image of my father onto God. There it was clear as day yet I had never seen it before. The truth. The greater truth. I had haphazardly projected all the fears I had regarding my father and his perception of me onto God. For years I believed that whatever I feared my father thought, God would think too. Whatever my dad wanted, God wanted, whatever my dad disliked or disapproved of, God disapproved of too. In that moment I realized I had raped myself of any true connection and relationship with God himself. No wonder God had been this fallible image in my life. I had never even experienced God. I had no idea who he was.
My coach asked me, “If you were to separate the image of your father from the image of God, what do you see?"
"It's more a feeling than a thought. " I said.
"And what do you feel?" She responded.
"Relief!" I rejoiced!
"And in this moment if I asked you to describe God to me while remaining conscious of the fact that your father is not God, what would you tell me?" She asked.
"I'm coming up blank for the word “God" because the name is so connected to my father. " I complained.
"If you could use another name what would that be?" She asked.
"Spirit. I feel connected to the word Spirit. " I said.
"So, how would you describe spirit?" She asked.
"Oh my! Spirit is wonderful! Spirit is totally on my side. Spirit loves me and supports me no matter what. Spirit knows I'm doing my best. It cheers me on. It believes in me when I don't. It always has my back. It never would call me a “mistake" or tell me I deserve to be punished. Spirit encourages me to forgive myself and others. . . " I replied.
That day was the beginning of a new and fruitful relationship with God, AKA “Spirit. " I consider myself deeply grateful for that teacher in Jin Shin Tara class who called me out on the carpet, triggered the hell out of me, and was willing to be deemed “The Bitch" in my eyes so that I could be led to the wisdom and freedom that followed.
That day I found God, and released my father from a role that was never his. I fell in love with my father over and over again that day once I released him and the fears I had attached to my relationship with him. Dad became human that day. God became brilliant. And I continue to be free.
Health and Wellness Coach Diana Bertoldo supports people challenged by stress and illness in playing a bigger role in their health and well-being. Visit Coach Diana and learn more about creating a life beyond Stress and illness today.