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Seeing Your Defensive Character

Dr. Peter James

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The defensive barrier that you have built for your own protection is quite justified in some respects, especially if the barrier is quite new to you. Nevertheless, it will be of no real use if it is to protect your image from one or more people that have hurt you in your past and the chances are fairly high that most of these people in your past are probably only bad memories. Now it is time for the barrier building to stop and you may well find that in some cases barriers can even be lowered; if the defensive stance that you are taking is old, then you will find that the barrier should no longer have a constructive role to play in your everyday life.

You are probably now at the stage in your life where you are being over defensive for no valid reason at all, so try your best and relax for a little while. The shock of being treated properly by other people may be hard to accept at this time and its effect on you can be quite a severe experience for you. However, as you learn to let go of past worries, do not be bothered about it too much, it is quite safe for you to believe that these acts of genuine kindness are happening to you at this time. So take the offer of friendship that is before you now and lower your guard a bit, you will find that you will not regret it, as you now deserve a better life and a fresh break from the past.

During times of physical and in some cases mental detachment from the real world (as it is known to us), try your best not to see things as right from wrong, in other words do not see wrongs as right, as you will find that the only person you will be misleading will be yourself. You may well find that you are better suited for the present situation than you previously thought. You will get nowhere fast if you have a closed mind towards what is going on, but if you can concentrate on what is in front of you, once it has finished you will be able to tackle harder less clear tasks that currently lie ahead of you. Yet, if you really want to tackle tasks that are unclear and detached from you, then you will find that whilst you are in a detached state about someone or something, then it is important that you see both sides of the story being related to you and try to remain as neutral as possible. You will find that being neutral is an asset worth holding, which in turn will improve your standing in life and that there is more to be gained by this sort of behaviour.

If you discover you are feeling lonely, disgruntled, upset or even scared and you are not entirely sure of the reason why this is happening to you, all the time that you allow past events to affect your life in the present you are going to remain in this state. Events that went wrong in your past life are not entirely your own fault, even though they may well seem so to you due to those involved who have deliberately placed or made you feel that you are responsible. You are not entirely to blame for putting a self-made protective barrier around yourself at this time in your life, try to bear in mind that you are not alone in your suffering. There are others in a similar situation and quite possibly you know one or two of them and you may well be able to help them get over their problems and in so doing help yourself as well. One sure way to get yourself out of the situation is first to take a tentative step around your personal barrier and start to relearn your confidence from some of your more reasonable stable friends and, as time passes, you will find that your lifestyle will improve as you make slow steady progress. The second step will become obvious to you; you will find that your true friends will support you along your path towards a better life.

The unfortunate individuals among us, who practice Drum Law on other people by the use of insinuations, innuendos and by inflicting their own egotistical manner onto other people, are not only a danger to their victims but also to themselves. Bear in mind they can affect other people around them as well. Fact and reality have two very separate facets to them, facets that will and do not mix at all. Dreams and reality are the same to them; reality is generally said in confidence to you and can later be twisted to your disadvantage by them whereas dreams can bear fruit providing the opposition do not take control of your mind.

In the event that you do say something out of turn, then you have to build in accuracy to protect yourself from those involved. If you tell something to someone and in the process, you make an inaccurate or false statement about what has been told to you in the first place, then you had better make sure that that person does not find out what has been said or what the first person had actually said to you. This could cause you problems in the long term. The easiest and fairest option open to you, is to tell the truth as often as is humanly possible for you to do so, but do not despair if the truth is not accurate as, with some interaction with another party, the truth will come out in the end.

It is one thing to make the bold decision not to move in any one particular direction. You may well find that it is entirely another not to move in any direction at all because you feel that you will fail no matter what you do. If you do make the move in question, then you will probably find out that there is a deep down anxiety streak in you and this is holding you back at this time. But do not give up on the task that is in hand at this time, it can and will be successfully completed by you in quite a short time, so do your best not to talk yourself out of something that you may richly deserve in your life.

There will come a time in your own life when you may feel that you have reached the end of your tether. If this does happen to be the case with you at this time, then that is quite all right, but it is not yet time for you to give up in despair, even if giving up does seem to be the easiest option that is available to you now. You may well find that, rather than it being an adverse situation that you are currently having to deal with, it is actually the opposite, so you can relax by putting yourself into the correct frame of mind for problem solving, and then you will achieve much more than you would by giving up.

Once you are in the correct frame of mind for problem solving, you will discover that you are quite able to consider a quite different but relevant idea, which until now in this juncture in time, had been staring you in the face for seemingly quite a long time now. Also, bear in mind that until you adopted some positive thoughts, it had not seemed suitable. Therefore, whilst you are gathering yourself and rethinking the matter out, you will find that you will soon be able to see a brand new ideal situation developing out of the old situation. However, there are times in our lives when the depths of our own perception can be and are very limited in their scope by the narrowness of our own minds.

Although to others you may not seem to be, or come across to them, as a conventional person in the world at large, you are a real person in your own right. Just because you view things differently in comparison to others around you, is not your problem unless you make it so. The attitude that you may have at times like this can create problems for you with other people, if you are not very careful with your own language, especially when you are trying to create a good impression on others around you. So be careful with what you say. Once again, if you are careful about your next move, then you should not view this as a problem, in that a solution can be found quite easily, but not by passing in any way.

You should be aware that at various times in your life various bits of yourself tend to stick out at awkward angles, so instead of making an effort to conceal your true personality by making the awkward bits seem so obvious to others, why not try to be more like your real self. After all, at the end of the day you cannot successfully be someone else no matter how hard you try. Who you are and how you feel in relation to what is going on is and will be very important to you, so try to make some constructive moves to remove any disguise that you may have to protect yourself and you will soon find that true love, support and encouragement will be forthcoming from those around you. One point to remember as you begin to open up to others is that the real you may well be hidden in past programming of your past life.

The answers to the problems in your present and past life will not always be readily available to you. That is if you go ahead and shut yourself away from the world at large, do not keep yourself away from other people on a deliberate basis, as this would be a self destructive move on your part, but do try to take a constructive break from others for a short while. If you are having problems with others, then at the very least learn to revolve in your own family's circles and slowly mix with others outside your immediate family. Do this before going back into general circulation.

It is a fact that you have to interact with others in your life to achieve anything and to get anywhere in life, and it is not very hard to get somewhere if you put your mind to it. At the very least, all you will have to do is listen and listening is a possible source of inspiration during difficult times. Unbelievably, your possible source is likely to be a stranger, as listening to them may be the push that you need to succeed. Sometimes you will find that a stranger can be more help to you than someone you already know, this is because they will mainly be unaware that they are helping you along. To sum up, the more you can learn to interact with others, the fewer your problems, but do try to listen carefully, or you will make more problems by not listening.

As time passes by and you learn a lot more about yourself, you may well come to realise that your mind and your body are living out a false timetable, in that you may be or are doing what you want without due consideration to yourself or to others in your life. Do not despair as this is a surmountable problem and you will find that you can master it easily, in quite a short time. To achieve this success, you need to take much more notice of your inner self and your inner urges that are not making you self-centred or self-destructive as a person. In so doing, you will learn to have an inner peace with yourself and this in turn will show others that you have confidence in yourself and, as a bonus; you will generally increase the trust and confidence that is being shown to you.

This may come as a surprise to you, but you may very well be very conscious of something in your life that is or are proving to be unsatisfactory at this moment in your everyday life. You may also be feeling that you are at a bit of a loss as to what is going wrong, try not to despair as it does happen to us all. The very fact that you are now aware or are becoming aware of these potential faults in your life, is a positive sign that you are indeed learning about your shortfalls and making efforts to improve life around you in general (be they of your own making or not is not relevant at this time). This new awareness is going to be very good for you in the end and it is now all in your favour as it or they come out into the open. It signifies that you are sorting out your life in a positive way. Not only are you learning that you cannot have everything at the drop of a hat, you are also learning that patience must be used nearly all of the time to achieve a satisfactory end. Life does and will provide you with the answers that you are seeking, all you will have to do for yourself is trust others and react accordingly to the various events as they unfold.

We all want various things to be better in our everyday lives, but unfortunately a lot of these things will not happen to you in their current form. If you allow inner doubts and mistrust to take over your life, you will usually find that this is because of past bad encounters with bad company. In the event that you find your life going down the path of indecision, then you need to relax and take a fresh look because all you may be doing is giving a delayed victory to those who more than likely had victimised you during your earlier life, which is set to happen if you allow it. The bullies knew that there was something special in your own life, but they did not want you to get anywhere in your life. This is because you were different to them, so they set to and made you unsure of yourself, they tried to ruin your life at your expense, it was a narrow-minded way of getting at you and it was all down to jealousy on their part. It is very important that bullies be not allowed to control your lives, even if the control is in their absence by several years.

You will find that essentially you have severed a particular link in the past; at least you should have done so by now. However, if you are not rid of this link with the past or you allow the particular link to carry on in your own life for some self-defensive reasons, then all may well be proceeding in the wrong direction. If this is what you are doing, it is quite likely that it is causing you problems by making you put active blame on others unconnected with your past, and if this is the case then you should be aware that this is a pointless act on your part. By continuing this link with the past and allowing it to play a dominant role today, you will only hinder your own progress from happening as it should and could end up putting the back up of others around you, as well as slowing your own progress. Caution is best advised as you alone could well suffer from the results of all your actions, and cause a vicious circle to be formed as you take it out on others around you in your life and then feel guilty about your own actions. The quicker you sever this link with the past the sooner you can start living again.

There are certain fears you can and do have in your daily life, fears that others around you do not understand and fears of the unknown in your life. These fears can easily take over your life if you are not careful; you may also find that these fears generally affect the way that you behave towards others in your life. As we attempt to progress in our everyday lives, the way that we behave and perform as individuals, our likes and our dislikes, or even how or why we like to do or wish to do certain things, are all important to us as individuals. They are also important to our own behaviour pattern, a pattern we have evolved as we have grown up and which is going to take us far in life if we can control our fears. You should also be aware that to a certain extent our fears could often cause us to behave in a slightly different way towards others, sometimes it can be without us being aware that we are being different, in the way that we are behaving.

All of the latter mentioned can and often do control our creative abilities and they can also inhibit our natural development because of our fears, which in turn can cause our own natural growth to become stunted. Our plans to fail and our desires to remain failures are all connected with our own upbringing and the results of altercations with others. Sometimes our confusion through fear is due to inherent fears that have been instilled into us at an early age, which have grown and may have come to dominate our adult lives. This in turn can sometimes make us into an automaton, which later on tends to rebel in us in various ways and can in certain ways limit our progress and our interaction with others. This robotics behaviour can lead us to follow misguidedly the wrong people as we strive to get on.

You will find that there is probably only one thing preventing you from bringing about a positive change in your current lifestyle, and it is quite likely that your own uneasiness in making a vital decision to move in a particular direction that you need to go in is causing you a few problems now. This is probably going to be because you feel that it is a case of out of the frying pan and into the fire. However, it is of no use or danger to you at this time if you are staying where you are, in a safe environment away from others. Remember that no matter what you do, risks have to be taken everyday if you are to get anywhere in life and you will find that there are risks that you alone must take and in some cases these decisions need to be made sooner rather than later, if any progress is to be made by you.

It is and can be very easy for you to do things a certain way just because you have always done so, but it is not the answer to pretend that you know it all and live the life of a fool. Everyday things change and so do methods to solve problems and puzzles in our daily lives, but pause for a moment, as this is not so in every case that we encounter during our lives. You will find that it is also very easy for you to assume that you know all there is to know about certain people or even certain things and situations that you encounter, but you must learn to control your life.

During some of the testing times, try to put your own personal knowledge on hold and try to drop any fixed ideas that you may have at the time, always try to do this with caution attached, so that your own eyes are not acting like a pair of blinkers. Remember that no matter how hard you look, no two people are the same and through experience, you can be of help to others and to yourself if you can adopt an un-blinkered lifestyle. Try to do your best not to forget that the human element of the equation is the most unpredictable you are ever likely to come across in your life and also fairly amusing especially when a sense of humour is present.

It is very important to make sure that you do not become a stick in the mud as it can often lead to many difficulties in your own life. Remember that your life can offer you a lot of excitement and variety if it is used wisely, so do your level best to make the most of all the things that you do, try to be as successful as you can, as the progress you will make during your success will ensure a greater awareness in your daily life. Try your best not to feel downtrodden, or to let yourself believe that just because various things have always been a certain way since you can remember, does not mean they will stay so for an indefinite period.

You can really be sure that at the right time things will change for the better with only a little effort on your part. The fact that some of your progress will definitely be made by you is really going to happen and can be believed. Bear in mind that change is nearly always possible in some shape, even when it does not seem possible or visible at the time in question, so try to stand back and view things in a new light and from a new angle. Things that have been bothering you for a while will soon be in the past and you will find that the benefits will soon be on their way to you.

Unbelievably, there is a sure way to make things much easier on yourself and this in turn will enable some fun to be introduced or reintroduced into your life. The first step that you must take is to stop assuming that the odds are all stacked against you and that they always will be stacked against you, so once you have tried and mastered this misconception, then you will be able to look for a more soluble solution to your daily life. The sooner you start looking for the solutions to problems in a positive way the faster problems will start to stop bothering you and the success that you are looking for and deserve will become yours in due course as and when it is due to happen to you. Remember that patience is rewarded most of the time it is practised.

Being resentful towards others, possibly because of the success that they have achieved in their own personal lives, or being resentful and trying to push yourself forwards at an awkward rate of knots, is not going to be the best path for you to take at this time. On the other hand, is it simply because you feel that you have to impress others around you that you are following your current path? Do try and slow down a fair bit for your own good, then instead of this very destructive tendency that you have at this time, you will find that less haste will be much better for you and it will make things much easier for you to cope with in your life. It would also be much better for you if you could learn to accept your own limitations, indeed limitations that we all have. As you learn to slow down your life and strive to accept all the limitations, you will then find that the situations around you currently presenting you with a dilemma will not last forever and will meld into your life quite easily and naturally.

Even though you may be wondering about in a fog at this time, the path that lies in front of you is clear and will present no real problems as you travel down it, which is unless you create further problems for yourself. The path ahead is such that you could follow it in your sleep, but there is a good chance that it will not be easy for you to follow it as easily as you could have done. This is due to the fact that you are giving a particular problem in your life too much thought and possibly creating additional problems for yourself at the same time, instead of concentrating on the here and now, try to act naturally and in due time all will become much clearer to you quite quickly.

Are you so overstretched or under such pressures that the end never seems to come into sight for you? If this is the case, then these current dilemmas should not present you with any problems that you cannot deal with in your own time. In the event that any of the problems do cause you some additional trouble, then try to remember that you have within you all that is needed to make sure that everything is okay and the ability to reduce the current pressures that are upon you at the moment. There is one point worth considering at this time: you should take a good look at your problems as if they were puzzles to be solved. This will make things a lot easier for you to sort, just lay all the pieces out in front of you and slowly join them together. Without using haste, you will soon solve all your current problems in an enjoyable way.

You must learn to make bold decisions and learn to deal with the urgent things and matters that need dealing with in your everyday life. Try to do this on a regular basis so as to prevent any backlogs from building up and occupying more of your time than is necessary. Although you cannot be expected to deal with them all at once, you can with a progressive plan, make large inroads into the decisions that need making. Do not forget that as each problem is solved, the rest will become much easier for you to work out in due course, as you will have more experience that you can call upon, as you get older. But if you ignore all your problems until it is too late to do anything, then there is a strong possibility that you will end up with nothing at all, just a boring existence with nothing to do and nowhere to go. Therefore, instead of allowing this sort of lifestyle to happen, it would be wiser for you to work on those problems that can be dealt with easily at first, then you can move on at a pace that will not tire you and then you will become aware that emotions are an everyday experience in your life.

You will find that we all have emotions at some stage in our daily lives. None of them are unique to you alone, indeed some of these emotions will be more intense than others and some of us will feel stronger emotions about a particular thing, maybe due to our different experiences in the past. So, do not be ashamed of the feelings that you may have in your heart or your head. Rather than hiding your feelings and emotions, try to make a strong positive effort to get them out into the open, in a way that is constructive and non-destructive. If you can manage to do this of your own free will, without any undue pressure being put on you by others, then one positive and likely result is that others around you will sit up and take notice of you.

There will come a time when you have no other choice but to accept that a few changes need to be made in your everyday life and quite soon as well, but do try to remember that these changes need to be made slowly and methodically, not at the flick of a switch or in a slapdash fashion. Try to remember this as you start the rebuild of your life after what appears to have been a trying time for you. Even if it is only a small rebuild, try not to be upset when things go wrong or people mistreat you for being you. At the end of the day, not only you, but also those that are close to you in various ways will benefit from the new you

Dr. Peter James aka Boffin1157 was born in the late 1950's in the United Kingdom. He is currently living, working and tutoring in Northern Romania and is engaged to Dr. Cristina Felea, daughter of Romanian writer Victor Felea (1923-1993).

Among his numerous qualifications to-date are a degree in Psychology and another in Forensic Psychology, the latter is his specialty.

Dr. Peter James wrote a book covering the topic of self-help entitled A Better Life For You! - Your New Independence Day? (ISBN: 142086811X; 13 9781420868111), published in August 2005 and widely available in a ‘Print-to-Order’ format as well as electronically.

Boffin1157 is currently engaged in further studies on everyday behaviour and in tutoring privately and as an ancillary advisor for a Romanian University. He is also involved in translation work with/for various persons.

He has a keen interest in photography and has produced a number of photovideos using only stills taken on his Olympus E500 camera, these can be found at various locations on the web by searching ‘Googling’ etc, his alias ‘Boffin1157


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