I wrote about my life and all that I have had to go through. I also ended that story with a little bit about how my life has since changed, but I want to take it further. I want you to see me how I was then and how I am now. Am I changed much? Yes, I am no longer the person who went through all those things.
You may look at me and think, “man I feel sorry for that person" or at least think, “that person went through a lot". Yes, I did but I am grateful for those things. Now you are probably thinking, grateful?? How can you be grateful??
Well, I am, simply because it made me who I am today. You see I was never alone in my life. You are not alone in your life. I can prove it to you and by the end of this you will see. I always had faith in something bigger than this world, bigger than me and the people in it.
I had a belief in God. God always had his hand on me. Through every situation and disappointment I would start to turn away. I would look at people as if they didn’t exist so to speak. I looked at everyone as having an agenda and having a plan to break me. To break me down, to break my heart. I was alone, I wanted to be.
If the world was like it was I wanted no part of it, I only wanted to exist without being bothered and being counted on. The people I met, I paid no mind to. I could say, “yes, you want to be my friend, but why"?? “What is it I have to give you to make you stay my friend"??
Why did I really think that way though? Because I was unworthy. I had been hurt so much throughout my life, I really felt I was unworthy to be loved. It wasn’t an easy journey. I thought I must be the most worthless person on the face of the earth. I never once ever tried to kill my self, but I also wondered why. Why did I want to live in a world that absolutely didn’t know I existed or even cared about me as a person, other than to take something away from me. I didn’t have the courage to kill myself, and why would I do that?? If noone here cared about me than why in the world would I kill myself because God wouldn’t either. Doesn’t even make sense but that was my logic.
I knew God then, I may have pushed Him away many times but I knew Him. I knew He had a plan for me. I knew that every time I had trouble I my life and this loneliness that never seemed to leave me completely, I knew someone was there. Every time I cried out, I knew someone was listening, why else did I cry out as hard and as loud as I could? I was raised with Christian values and beliefs, it was instilled within me. I wasn’t a bad person, I knew that, but I felt like I might as well be, I’m un-loveable. If people can’t love you than there has to be something wrong with you right? Wrong God loves you and he loves me. He has been there through every single tear to every single laugh.
My life had come such a long way. Let me tell you about me now. I am now enrolled in college. Yes, I am a student. I am just finishing my 1st semester. I am pursuing a degree in Criminal Justice. I have many friends. I met some of these people through school, and some of them are instructors. I met some outside of school. I have a beautiful, wonderful, amazing son, who is now 7 yrs old. He is healthy and happy, the love of my life, joy of my heart. He makes me so glad to be alive. I have met some wonderful people who have brought much joy into my life and have given me much in love and friendship. I am living in my own home that I care for. I pay for it and I take care of it, it is mine. I am not rich by any means but I am rich in my spirituality and in God, in my Savior Jesus. I have been a mentor to kids of different ages. That is not my job but I have friends and even family who come to me for advice and to talk to their kids if they are in need and in trouble. Yes, I make a difference too, because to some of these kids they feel they have noone, I let them know they always do. I am happy to do it, I love doing it.
I am great friends with my ex-husband and we are both working towards a beautiful relationship with our son. I am renewed in my family situation, nothing in this world like saying, “I forgive you and I mean that". We are all worth being forgiven. We are all worthy of being loved and cared for. We all are. I know if I had noone on this earth that cared about me or loved me, God would. Jesus died for each and every one of us and did so with pure love. In my darkest hours and believe me there were many, I always felt that Presence. I always knew They were with me. I look at the people around me and see the ache in their hearts for something more something to give them hope and set them free. I can tell you it is a prayer and a commitment a way. I have been on my face grateful for the things I have been given, eternal life most importantly. I am so grateful to be alive now. I am grateful for knowing what it is like to not feel love or feel like I was not loveable, but I now know what it is like to feel that in it’s purest form, from friends, family, neighbors, & strangers. And I never want to lose that. I won’t lose that as long as I have a relationship with The Father and The Son.
I have had many people come to me and ask where do you get your confidence? How can you be so optimistic about life? Because I know my life has purpose. We all have a purpose for being here, trust me it is not to be miserable and unhappy. Noone was put on this earth to be that way. Noone God loves each and every one of else and we are all special to him. Our personal relationship with him is what sustains us in this life. Do I still have problems? Yes, I do. Do people still hurt me, let me down? Yes, they do. But I have that ability, with God, to handle it and see it as not as a thing I go through alone anymore. I can handle anything, I have proven that, have I not? Do I have a right to be bitter and hateful, cold- hearted? No, I don’t. That is not my purpose here. I could be, it is a choice. I can be closed off if I feel that way, but where does that get me? Closing yourself off from the world is not a choice for me.
I feel the need to send this out, I feel someone or maybe many, need to know my story and how far I have come. Is your journey as mine was? Do you feel yourself alone and at a loss? Fear not, many are with you, But God is holding you and Jesus is standing beside you. You are never alone in this world, and I shall pray for your comfort. Believe in Him that created you and give your sadness and disappointments to Him. He knows your true heart and knows what you need to be the best you can be.
I have been back and forth between homes, I have been almost homeless a few times. I have had everyone and noone, in my mind. I always had Him He always had me. We are carried through our troubles with faith and desire. The faith in believing that God will always be there. And the desire to know it and see it. I am grateful for all I have been through, all I will have to go through, because I know I am not alone. It makes me stronger and when something happens, it doesn’t sway my faith it makes me hold stronger and I will reach out every, single time, to show I am worthy of his love and care and I know in my heart my comfort is only a prayer away.
Believe in your heart it can be the same for you.
Believe in your heart you are someone, because you are. You are very special, to many but especially to the One that matters. God Bless each and every one of you. Thank You, God and Jesus. I know I am nothing without you ‘but’ I am everything with you in my life.
Thank you, Vaughn Pascal
Please share this with people who need it and people who may want to know the truth. I hope it gives some peace and hope to those in many, different, difficult situations