Continued. . .
About a year later I met my husband. I met him through his youngest sister and we were inseparable. We began to fight a lot after his ex started coming in to the picture and I could not handle it. She was a pain in my ass. She was always at his house for special occasions and for holidays, always in my life, always in his and nobody seemed to get it. I got pregnant again and made it to 4 and half mths and its heart stopped and I had to have surgery again. I went through that by myself. He wasn’t there and I resented that but I still wanted to be with him.
A few years later pregnant again. It was in the tubes , had to have the tube and baby removed, lost that one. He was very upset about that one. The doctor said stop, quit trying. I went home and prayed. We got married in between those times. I prayed and I prayed, “God, just give me a son and I will never ask for another child again”. About 6 mths later my wish and prayer was answered. I knew I was pregnant before I even had the test, and I knew it would be a boy and everything would be ok. I also knew he would be born at Christmas time.
God blessed me with a son, I believe I had him at Christmas to heal my heart and to allow me to enjoy the holidays again. I am eternally grateful and I kept my promise. Back to my husband. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough for him, like I was second to him, that he really wanted the ex and since he couldn’t have her I would do. I felt like I pressured him to get married because I said if you don’t I will leave you. We had been together for 4 yrs and I had wasted enough time. It was time to move forward. After all that we ended up having all that trouble and I feel like I stayed for along time because of Dakota. I wanted him to be happy and have a family, to not have the life I led.
I love Dakota with all of my heart. I want him to be happy. My biggest fear was not being the mom he needed me to be. The best I could do may not be good enough. I always felt if I do nothing else right this will be the one I get right. But I doubted myself constantly. I didn’t know what the right decisions were at the time. We ended up getting a divorce.