“I want all of my senses to be engaged in this life. ”
Dr. Maya Angelou
The first time I read this quotation I froze. Dr. Angelou’s words made me realize how often I was unnecessarily exposing myself to an unhealthy environment and unhealthy relationships. I was not experiencing fulfillment in life the way I thought I should. I felt like all of the effervescence I enjoyed during my earlier years had been slowly drained from me. My peers taught me that by pulling and tugging and taking, one could achieve success. The vast presence of that ill-conceived notion crowded my space, crippled my thoughts and led to my feelings of lifelessness. As a result of the internal conflict and confusion, I had to examine my self and determine my new path in life.
The following excerpt from the YES! Journal written by my pen pal Troy Chapman states, “Whenever I catch myself thinking of someone as an enemy I ask, what in me am I trying to avoid or distract myself from? I find my own impotence, my own frustrations, my insignificance, and my sense that nothing I do will ever really matter. Ultimately, I find my own self-absorption, my resistance to setting myself aside and truly caring about the other. Do we engage in battle in order to distract ourselves from the hard work of love and the bitter pill of looking at ourselves? Or do we engage in battle out of a true love for goodness”? I knew right then that this was a beginning for my senses to be engaged.
My mother and I used to talk about my storms and she would often say get out. Go. Leave! But I chose to stay, work in my community and give, give, and give of myself, until the end. My end in my hometown had called me out. Like Chapman, “Understanding community and my role in it was simply the next step in my own healing. I wanted to know if the origins of my insanity were completely within myself or was I at least in part, a product of a sick culture. Having confronted myself thoroughly, I could not ask that question objectively, not looking for excuses or trying to diminish my own accountability, but simply and sincerely, looking for truth”.
In 1995, WTCC, Wednesday Morning Vibe’s Starry Pic turned Destination Radio and Black Enterprises’ Black Business Zone was born. This forum allowed me to release a lot of stuff from my wounded soul in addition to sharing useful information with the business community. Sharing information became an important duty because I was able to shed light on many dark situations for others as well as for my self.
I disengaged myself from many relationships or others have severed ties with me too. Either way I hope that the separations prove beneficial for all parties. I know that I am not above or below anyone, but I cannot settle into imbalanced and directionless relationships. I grew tired of losing vitality and energy; feeling backed against the wall and stagnated in my growth toward a higher mark. Living with the above interferences disabled my ability to create and really BE in the world. The time has come to detour off this road of distraction and destruction and find a new direction. My journey might get bumpy, but the bumps represent the involvements and/or illusions I must go through in the search for truth and self-development.
Living in the Pioneer Valley has truly been an enlightening voyage. I can look back and say thank you to many people for helping me to find and serve my purpose. Now, I have the desire to be embraced by a culture of people with good character who warm me, and choose to live their lives with purpose. The kind of purpose that goes forth in actions; producing action that forms habits and habits that determines character; knowing that good character can help you to reach your potential.
In life, we should choose to become better than where we started. We must experience it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, and if we are lucky, the pinnacle of our success leading to freedom. Only then can we truly relax in our own beautiful skin.
A DIAMOND NUGGET:
No one should give of himself or herself in an environment without moisture. Ladies, you will develop burns, calluses, and scars from people who do not have your best interest at heart. On the other hand should you experience being treated as if you are unimportant they present valuable lessons you cannot learn in a structured classroom.
These nuggets are the crème de la crème in your development as a person, a mother, a woman, a friend and a lover. But you must pay attention to the delusions, denials, illusions and traps set for us to fail, trip up or bottom line, be disrespected. In every step of life there are many blessings. You just have to be awake enough to recognize them.
Published writer on Success.com, featured in Today’s Charlotte Woman, Pride Magazine, Clickpress and Arrive Net Advertising and Marketing. Creator and manager of Blue Waters, a grassroots online newsletter encouraging subscribers to live fully alive and without apology. An entertainer, vocalist and theater actress having traveled the globe opening for entertainers Chaka Kahn, Mikki Howard, and jazz sensation Phil Perry. Born and raised in Springfield, MA, resides in North Carolina with her two young adults. For more info email me at email@example.com and visit http://www.myspace.com/1diamond45