It seems to me that there is always a certain percentage of the population who, for some strange reason, seem curiously desperate to fail and extremely determined to find a way and a reason to do it; I'm sure you know at least one or two. In fact, it's like they revel in their misery; they love to talk about how terrible and unjust the world and everyone in it has been to them. They are contradictions because on one hand, they complain about their reality, but on the other, they seem to be right at home on planet Blaaah.
They never have anything to look forward to and never have anything to be happy about or grateful for.
"Hey Tom, How's it going?"
“(moan). . . . don't ask. "
"How was yer weekend?"
“You don't wanna know. "
“It pays the bills. . . . sometimes. "
These people are easy to identify because they are usually stooped and have a bad lower-back from carrying the world on their shoulders, they will often have a chafed bottom lip (the sulkers lip regularly drags on the ground) and typically will have an incredibly annoying, glass-half-empty, life's-not-fair, everybody-owes-me. . . disposition and attitude.
A lotta fun to be around.
Great at social functions.
And being the equal opportunity educator and coach that I am, I thought I'd help those who are desperate to make their life a misery. . . and possibly even help them fast-track the process.
Hey, if you're desperate for a life of “why does this always happen to me", then I'm here to help you create it.
Mediocrity 101 with Craig.
Alright. . . . . . now, you might need to read this post a few times because you can't become a completely negative, resentful, bitter, twisted pessimist in just one reading; it may take a few times and some practice. . . so don't put yourself under too much pressure. And if, per chance you sense a little glimmer of hope, positivity or optimism trying to worm its way into your psyche, ignore it; it will pass. . . . and just focus on one of those numerous horrible people who have ruined your life.
Okay, here we go; my seventeen anti-personal development gems just for you:
1. Blame someone else - No matter what the situation or circumstance, never accept responsibility for your actions (or lack of them). . . and don't forget the three D's; deny, deny, deny. If you want to be a genuine pain in the arse (ass), it's crucial that you master the arts of blame and denial. If you struggle with this concept, find an Australian politician and study him for a week. . . that'll help.
2. Be intolerant - If they're not like you. . . they should be.
3. Complain a lot - If you're in pain, everyone else should be too; your complaining should accomplish that. Focus especially on things you can't change. Invest most of your emotional energy into situations and circumstances beyond your control.
Frustration is your friend; it will take your complaining to a new level.
4. Take no chances or risks - The world is scary enough without you unnecessarily increasing the risk factor. If possible, don't leave the house much.
5. Trust no-one - Neurosis is an important quality for the highly (in)effective. . . work on it and understand that everyone is out to get you.
6. Don't be overly ambitious - You're only setting yourself up for the inevitable disappointment. . after all, you're not that talented and you need to be realistic. Remember the last time you got a little cocky. . . it ended in tears didn't it? Don't make the same mistake.
7. Take shortcuts - If stupidly, you do decide to try and achieve something, then shortcuts are crucial. . . . if it's weight loss you're after (for example) then try some of those fabulous, very reasonably priced and incredibly effective weight-loss products that flood the market.
The mega-hyper-fat-blaster 9000 is my personal favourite.
8. Get angry - That's right, unload on people regularly. They obviously don't listen unless you're screaming. . so throw yourself into a tirade for no apparent reason I say. It won't really fix anything but just seeing the fear and the confusion in their eyes is a buzz and all the yelling provides you with some temporary sense of relief.
9. Procrastinate - Always remember the procrastinators mantra:
"Why do today, what you can put off until tomorrow?"
10. Lie - To yourself and others. Delusion is the refuge of the mediocre. Exaggeration, embellishment, deception; all great tools to have in the liars bag.
11. Insult - For those times when you're feeling a bit low or perhaps cornered in a no-win conversation. . . . that's the time to pull out the big gun; the insult. The nastier and the more personal, the better. Whenever possible, incorporate some reference to a physical feature.
12. Hate - Those goodie-two-shoes-types simply don't understand what an effective motivator hate can be.
13. Be selfish - Always prioritise numero uno; it's all about you champ.
14. Don't listen to anyone - You know and I know that most people don't understand what you're going though. They clearly don't know as much as you and are generally not worth listening to.
15. Self Pity - Nobody else is gonna feel sorry for you, so you may as well. They don't care. They don't understand you, your life, your needs or situation. . . and besides, they all have an agenda. You've gone through more than anyone else on the planet so you have a right to a little sympathy. . . even if it is from you.
16. Be arrogant - Nobody knows or ‘gets it’ like you do. They think they know. . but they don't. Whenever possible force your opinion on people. . . they don't know it, but it's for their own good. In a way, you're actually helping them.
17. Laziness - We've all heard the expression: “hard work never killed anyone". . . possibly one of the biggest myths perpetuated by those stupid positive thinkers. The truth is people die every day from hard work, just take a look at the stats on stress-related illness. If you want to live a long, healthy life. . get your arse on the couch, throw in your job and enjoy the journey.
Well there you have it; the seventeen habits that can help you create the completely crap existence you've always desired. I know what you're thinking. . . (how can I thank you enough Craig) but no, you don't owe me anything. . just go out there and be the biggest failure you can be and I'll be proud. Let this little self-help guide be my present to you as you continue on your path of ruining your life and driving the rest of us nuts.
Print it out, put it on the fridge, commit the habits to memory and get out there and live the under-achievers dream.
Craig Harper (B. Ex. Sci. ) is an Australian motivational speaker, qualified exercise scientist, author, columnist, radio presenter, and owner of one of the largest personal training centres in the world.
He can be heard weekly on Australian Radio SEN 1116 and GOLD FM and appears on Australian television on Network Ten's 9AM.
Best Motivational Speaker - Craig Harper