Most best man's wedding speech tutorials focus on what to do. Today, I am going to go against the grain and give you, the best man-to-be, a primer on what NOT to do on that big day. You would do wise to mark my words, memorize them, and promise me, on pain of lifelong embarrassment, that you will not do ANY of the faux pas that shall be laid before you here.
- The first thing you want to avoid adding to your best man's wedding speech are those tell-all tales of the grooms ex-girlfriends. They may be funny, even to the groom, but judging by the steam coming out from under the veil concealing the bride's reddening face, you would know at that point that this line has been crossed. So, don't do it.
- Along those lines, don't make fun of the bride. A few jibes, delivered in lightheartedness and made clear that they are just light jibes to ease everyone's emotions during your toast, are fine, but absolutely under no circumstances are you to outright make fun of the bride. This is an insult and could end your relationship with the groom, or at best, start your relationship with the happy couple on the wrong foot. So, stay away from the bride, in this respect.
- This next one is a big one. This advice is in keeping with my advice to keep your best man's wedding speech Rated G. Don't, under any circumstances, let your speech take a turn toward the risque. Sure, there might be many in the crowd who have joined you in the past to hear and even deliver their own risque jokes. But this time, in this crowd, the groom's own grandmother might be listening. Would she appreciate such jokes? Probably not. So, bite your tongue here, young best man.
- In keeping with advice against certain joke-telling, you'll want to keep “inside" jokes out of your best man's wedding speech. The few friends in your social circle will get and even appreciate these kinds of jokes, but the majority of the guests won't. Don't put those guests in the uncomfortable position of laughing out of politeness. So, keep these “inside" jokes within your social circle of friends, and keep them out of your best man's wedding speech.
- Another no-no involving your social circle of friends that you'll want to keep out of your best man's wedding speech. Don't talk about the old days as if you long for them. Don't give the guests, and especially the bride and her family, the impression that you and the groom were talking before the wedding, reminiscing about the good old days, and wondering if this wedding is a good idea or not. You'll always have Paris, as the old line in the movie “Casablanca" states. So, keep it in your memories, keep it out of your speech.
- Lastly, don't do this. Don't paint a picture of the groom as a sleazy, ne'er do well. A drunk, a louse, a loser, a slacker. It's okay to talk about the “good old days" together in, again, a lighthearted manner, primarily for humor's sake. But never cross the line and give anyone the impression that your best friend the groom is a bum of any caliber. This is his day, not yours. So, paint the groom in glowing praise, assuring his blushing bride that she has landing the last of the good guys.
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