It Is Not Love That Hurts

Christine Akiteng

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If you’ve ever tried to get through to somebody, you probably understand just how frustrating it can be, and it is even more frustrating if you are trying to get though to someone you love and you just can’t seem to get though to them however much you try.

Every one of us wants to be loved, even those who pretend they do not need love in their lives. Love connects us to the power, joy, happiness, inspiration, passion, spontaneity etc that we all have within us - that is why it feels magical to be in love. When you stop loving, you weaken your connection to this magic inside of you. When you stop loving you feel lifeless, depressed, apathetic, skeptical, negative and hopeless. But often we think we are doing everything to bring love or more of it into our lives or relationships but there is a part of us that we are not often aware of, a part of us that tries to sabotage the love in our life, hides from love or rejects it altogether.

I have many couples come to my office and looking at them I know they are in love. When I ask them what they think is the problem, they almost answer in chorus “we don't communicate well". But then when I ask “Why?". All different kinds of answers, accusations and excuses start to come out. I like to just sit there and let them go at it for a while. Very often they come back with another chorus answer “we don't know why we can't communicate".

And I am sure you have come across some of the singles personal ads that have “stay away from me, I am a freak magnet" written all over them. These people are sincerely looking for love and wonder why nobody replies to their ad or even why they can't find someone to love them.

Every time you loved and your love was not returned, a wall was erected around your heart, a wall you erected to protect yourself from being hurt again the next time. Over time you became an expert at building walls around your heart and because these walls have become so much part of you, you probably are not even aware that you have them.

Read these comments and try to remember if anyone in your life (lovers, family, co-workers etc) has ever made them about you:

1. When you get angry you shut down and won’t talk to me

2. You are always jumping to conclusions

3. Talking to you about things that are important to me is just frustrating

4. When I bring up the subject, you immediately change it, walk out of the room or pretend to be asleep

5. You always say “I am not upset" but I always know when you are upset or angry

6. I can never tell if you are kidding or serious

7. When I try to talk to you, you just stare at me as if I am crazy, stupid or something

8. I can never talk to you, you twist around every word I say

9. I need you to open up more

10. Why can’t you just shut up for once and listen

11. Everything I say or do upsets you

12. How did we get here, I thought we were talking about….

Unfortunately, we can’t keep hiding behind our walls all the time because a much more powerful part of us wants to be found, to be loved and to grow into more spiritual consciousness. So we attract into our lives those people who will perfectly push our buttons for us, confront us when we're losing our vision and integrity, kick our ass when we're getting lazy or sinking into destructive patterns, and so on.

Say you are out on a date having a wonderful time with someone you like or care about. The conversation drifts to music. You say you love rock and roll, rap or country music and your date says he or she is not all too crazy about it or makes a comment that criticizes that particular kind of music. You start to feel a tightening in your belly and somehow you like the person a little less than before they said they did not enjoy your particular taste of music. You feel as if the person has criticized you or done something to hurt you. You emotionally pull away. A few days or few weeks later, the relationship ends. You conclude that the problem is with the other person and so you go from relationship to relationship hoping to find somebody who will love you for who you are. Or you conclude that love hurts and resolve to live peacefully alone. Or worse still - you conclude that love hurts and stay in a relationship that is unfulfilling.

A lot of books and advice on intimate relationships tell couples that in order to stay in love they should practice certain words, activities or behaviours. But as many are finding out, love is more than giving the appearance of love. Over time the relationship stagnates. Couples become bored. Deep feelings of resentment and anger accumulate. Both couples feel the other person let them down because they weren't fulfilled. And a relationship with great potential ends up in divorce despite all the communication advice and/or counselling.

No one plans to fall out of love, but it happens, and when it does, it hurts. When you are operating from a place of old defensive reactions, fears and insecurities you will react to experiences such as these as “mistakes" and the people who push your buttons as “bad" and will shut down to the possibility of love. But when you are operating from a place of conscious intent, thought, talk and action, you will see these experiences as opportunities to examine why you react the way you react to people and situations. You will have the insight to see the other person's contribution to the expansion and evolving of your life.

It’s not love that hurts – it is when you keep repeating your patterns and being reminded that you need to learn something about your emotional and mental programming that hurts. And because you’ve mentally imprisoned and emotionally isolated yourself from yourself and from others, other people will find it really hard to get through to you.

How many walls do you have built around your heart? Do your walls have labels on the doors like “there are no good men", “all men are cheats" “all women are manipulative", “the women I am attracted to can never be attracted to me", “it is impossible to find love", “everyone is trying to get something off me and yet give nothing back", “life sucks" “love hurts" etc. “How does it feel hiding behind those walls? Does part of you wish you knew how to come out and not get hurt again? Are there people in your life who are trying to love you but you are pushing them away?

Many of us have spent so many years behind our walls that it seems easier to stay shut down than risk to open up. Each time we fall in love or meet a wonderful man or woman, we feel excited but underneath that excitement is a deep concern and even fear. Will this relationship also end up the same way? Will I be hurt again? What will I do? Will I survive the pain this time?

When it comes to love, it all comes down up to you. You have the freedom to chose whether or not you want a relationship and you have the freedom to chose how that relationship with be. You can’t blame your parents, your childhood or society for your inability to have successful relationships because you are the only one who has the power to do something to change who you attract, how you date and love, and how loving, exciting, intimate and committed your relationship can be. Love is up to you!

Unfortunately, when you don’t know how to consciously reprogram the patterns in your relationships and create the results you want, you end up making the same mistake over and over again.

There is good news and bad news. The good news is that you can set yourself free from the past, not only the long ago past but the hurts even as recent as yesterday, and let yourself progress unburdened into love and a fulfilling relationship.

The bad news is that the old defensive reactions, fears and insecurities you have within you will prevent you from taking the necessary steps to free yourself. What if it doesn’t work? What if this is just another ploy to coax you from behind your walls only to be deceived again? It is perfectly normal for you to think this way and it is not because something is wrong with you - it is just the way it is.

It is all up to you!

About the Author: Combining modern and ancient wisdom, internationally renowned *** Confidence and Dating Coach, Christine Akiteng has helped hundreds rediscover their many untapped and unique deep-down NATURAL and PRIMAL characteristics that make them incredibly attractive, desired and valued by the opposite sex. Her sassy, spunky and unique advice on captivating the opposite sex and creating a fulfilling *** life combines self-awareness, a dynamic, free and spontaneous expression of the authentic self, mystery, spirituality and pure raw sensuality.

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