Think about this. . . no one ever thinks they will end up homeless. But it happens. So, the first time someone is hungry and living on the streets, they know eventually they will need to dig in the trash for their next meal. There just seem to be no other options at this point. The first time they actually do, maybe they are disgusted. But they are starving, so they wipe off a piece off half eaten pizza and choke it down. Who knows? Maybe that person is thinking to themselves: “How the hell did I let this happen?" Maybe they puke, or vow to get their act together the very next day. But they don't. The second time they go dumpster diving, it goes down a little easier. They can somehow stomach the taste a little better. And so, the story goes, by the second week of this they are looking forward to their favorite dumpster and they savor the food like a fine four course meal. It is official; they were desperate and so they resorted to settling for what they never thought they would. DATING IS THE SAME WAY.
Why? Let's see. I don't know, maybe you are 30? 40? Divorced? Hear your clock? Saw your eggs packing up little suitcases and telling you to piss off? Or maybe recently you were mowing your grass without your shirt on and a car full of 16 year old girls drove by and yelled, “EEW!" out the window as you stood their steeped in their laughter? And you thought: “It's impossible to find what I'm looking for. I am LONELY!" So along comes “Mr. /Ms. Ok, anything beats this!" And you're off~!
What does it look like? Ah, you know. . . they tell you a story on the first date about how they pooped in their pants once, or they talk about how in debt they are, or how they don't want kids, but they have two. Or maybe they talk about how the last person broke up with them because they were too sensitive, meaning head case, or worse, they are just trying to find the right person because since they have been separated a week, they REALLY know their husband or wife isn't it.
How does this happen aside from being desperate? Why do we settle? I think that sometimes we think, if we settle and pick someone just a tad dumber than we like, less nice, less patient, understanding, and less communicative that we might as well suck it up. This can happen especially if we have had our heart broken by the prom king/queen. Then, we attribute our broken heart to their good looks or their ability to converse as if it were a competitive sport.
I know you are sick of hearing that “It will happen when you aren't looking". I know that you are really tired and fed up with what you think the dating pool has become. But what you are doing when you dumpster dive is not only selling yourself short; you are wasting your precious time.
I'm going to tell you again that you are worth it. When you see the red flags, you gotta run. You have to run and not look back. When someone calls you names, judges you without mercy, wants you to be a different person other than who you are, or makes you feel bad about who you are in any way. . . it's time to split. Don't you know that you are ruining your confidence for the next person? Don't you know that every time you lower your standards it gets a little easier and easier? Soon, you will be driving up and down the road looking for traveling carnies with a six pack and an open mind. Don't do it.
I love you, TO YOU!
Copyright May 21, 2008. All Rights Reserved. You may reprint this article of you do so in its entirety.
Heidi Bilonick, PCC