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Self Destructing Boyfriend Or Girlfriend Dumped You How Do You Get Him Or Her Back?

Christine Akiteng

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When you are dealing with someone who is self-destructing, it's hard not to be sucked into the toxic interaction that is typical of this attraction.

And what do I mean by typical of this attraction?

The self-destructing person is attracted to you because you have that “strength" that the self-destructing person feels he or she does not have. Sub-consciously the self-destructing person feels that he or she needs you in his or her life to “stay alive" or make “sense" of their own pain.

You on the other hand, are attracted to something about the self-destructing person that you feel you lack in yourself. It may be his or her aloof and emotionally detached persona or his or her charisma and “life is good" attitude or something that you find so compelling about him or her. It does not mean you are “blind" to his or her other faults, it's just that you see this wonderful person self-destructing and in some way you feel responsible for “saving" him or her and may even think that's the reason you were brought into his or her life. But the more you try to be the ‘saviour" or help him or her “see sense" the more your own “issues" show up.

And here is the real irony. When the person starts to get better, the dynamics of the attraction begin to change because you are no longer the “saviour" figure or the “sense" in their lives. Some recovering self-destructing people transfer that “saviour" figure or the “sense" in their lives to their therapist, counsellor or coach (especially if the therapist, counsellor or coach doesn't recognize what's happening and stops it). Others who are doing a better job at recovery start to redefine who they are and what they want. This is the point at which they begin to question their attraction to you, and if you are what they really want.

For some people they realize they really are not that attracted to you any more. Others feel the relationship does not excite or fulfill them any more and others just think they can do better. So what do they do? Dump you.

Others see things about you they still find very attractive (and may even feel some sort of gratitude debt) but they struggle with redefining how the recovering, recovered or “new" them now relates to you. Most people go back and forth between being strongly pulled towards you and pulling away because they are trying to figure what those feelings mean, how strong they are, if they want to act on them, and if they do, how they will go about it.

Some pull away with “no contact", others keep the contact but act aloof and detached, and some others date other people, others just do what they want and don't seem to care that your feelings are being hurt by their actions.

This is where it gets even more ironic - and toxic. Their pulling away and not seeming to care about you or how their actions affect you can get you all worked up emotionally and start acting in a self-destructing manner yourself.

The better he or she gets, the more insecure you feel (and with good reason as I shall explain in the next paragraphs). His or her getting better was all you wanted in the first place, but now that same thing you wanted is your greatest fear. So instead of feeling pleased now that he or she is finally “coming to his/her senses", you feel threatened and start to sabotage his or her efforts at getting better and being capable of a healthy relationship. Talk about irony.

You find yourself really pissed of because you now feel rejected (and worthless to them). You should have dumped their ass when they were doing all those self-destructing things but no, you stuck by them and this is how you are rewarded!

One moment you feel strongly attracted to him and the next you feel like you can't take it anymore. Some people even toy with the idea of revenge because they are just so pissed off.

But what more can you do if you still have feelings for him or her?


That may not be the answer you hoped to hear from me especially for many of us brought up to think that you must always “do something" to get anything from anyone. The notion that sometimes “doing nothing" can get you exactly what you want and really long for is like saying the sky is brown and the grass is red.

Trying to “do something" that interferes with their recovery is the last thing someone recovering from self-destructive behaviour needs in his or her life is. If they feel that you are trying to draw them back into a toxic relationship, they'll move even further away - and tell you that they don't want you in their lives ever again.


When you find yourself in this place, there is not much you can do except trust that if the attraction between the two of you was strong enough, he or she'll find his or her way back to you.

Problem is, if you have not dealt with your own “issues" and the anger that may be accumulating (because “this is all so unfair") you will start to seriously self-destruct all on your own. For example, you sabotage his or her efforts to initiate and re-establish contact by not responding to his or her emails or texts because you want to play hard to get or are following some silly “no contact" rule. Or you lose some weight, get really toned up, get all dressed up, go out with him or her on a date just to act aloof and detached because you think it'll make you more attractive. Or some really stupid “cut off your nose to spite your face" behaviour.

Now who is self-destructing and toxic?

If you are interesting in learning more about how to navigate the pull and push phase of getting your ex back, then check out my e-Book: Dating Your Ex - What You Can Do Tonight, Tomorrow And The Next Day To Get Your Ex Back

About Author: Internationally renowned Dating & Relationships Coach, Christine Akiteng has devoted years of her life re-uniting couples and has seen over and over again first hand what works. She has woven together solid-gold advice on just about every stage of getting back together with your ex to help you make the process less scary and shaky and more exciting and smooth as possible.

Christine's main website:



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