Getting over someone you love can be very difficult, especially if you’re not ready to let go. But if a relationship diminishes your self-worth, devalues you, or drains you in any way, then it’s probably time to end the relationship.
So may women stay in dead relationships, hoping that “somehow" things will get better. We convince ourselves that with enough love and patience we can get our partner to change. This is simply not true. Why? Because you cannot change anyone else except yourself. Once you realize that you’re in a relationship that does not serve your highest good and you’re ready to do something about it, you will do what you gotta do to let go and move on. It’s that simple.
In my quest to develop healthier and more fulfilling relationships, I’ve learned some common sense principles that try to I apply to my love life. Following these tips has helped me to end unhealthy relationship patterns in order to open myself up to real love. I share these tips with you in the hope that they will enable you to let go and keep on stepping …so that you can move on to bigger and better things.
1. Analyze What Went Wrong, Don’t Romanticize About What Could Have Been:
Taking an honest look at what went wrong in your relationship will help you to figure out your needs, wants and motives. It will show you what self-work you need to do in order to experience the healthy love you deserve. When a relationship ends many women romanticize about how it used to be and overlook all of the negative and unhealthy things that took place during the course of the relationship. When you dwell on what could or should have been you prevent yourself from seeing the relationship for what it really is.
2. Pay Attention To Repeating Patterns:
Try to identify and understand negative relationship patterns. If you notice that the same issues play out in every relationship then you are acting out a pattern. It’s important for you to understand that everyone goes into a relationship with a certain amount of baggage, but when the baggage drives you to act out self-defeating patterns then it is time for you to make some changes in your life.
3. Release Yourself From All Attachments To Him:
Oftentimes when you’re not ready to let go of a relationship you hold on to his property or clothing. This enables you to still feel connected to him. You may even rip up his favorite shirt or throw out his most prized possessions in an attempt to get even with him. However, when you intentionally set out to hurt someone else you end up hurting yourself.
4. Don’t Have Sex With Your Ex:
This is a big no no. When you continue to have sex with someone who is not committed to you, you set yourself up for heartache. Although most women will not admit this, it is difficult for many of us to separate love from sex. Whenever we sleep with a man we often hope that the relationship will move towards commitment and when it doesn’t we’re usually disappointed. *** chemistry does equate true intimacy.
5. Spend Some Time By Yourself Before Starting A New Relationship:
Don’t look for love on the rebound. You will only end up bringing the old baggage into the new relationship. A wound needs time to heal. Too often as soon as one relationship ends we jump full speed ahead into a new relationship without taking any time out to get to know ourselves. In order to figure out what you really want in a man you must first discover who you are.
6. Reach Out For Support:
Whenever you lose someone you love you grieve for them. Just because your loved one is not dead doesn’t mean you won’t mourn for them. Feelings of loneliness, isolation and depression may seem overwhelming. You don’t have to go through it alone. Talk to a counselor, friends, or your minister. Join a support group. This is the time to call on others for support.
7. Strengthen Your Self-Esteem Regularly:
Some of us believe that being alone means the same thing as being lonely. When we buy into this belief system our self-esteem becomes compromised. In order to maintain high self-esteem you have to feel whole and complete with or without a man. You can strengthen your level of self-esteem by flushing out your filtering system. This means ridding yourself of negative thoughts, people and conditions. You cannot always control what happens to you but you can control how you respond. Choose to respond positively.
8. Write Down All Of The Terrible Things He Did To You During The Course of Your Relationship:
Although you should not hold on to bitterness or resentment, it’s important that you remember how badly he treated you in case you get the urge to take him back. This will also help you to stay focused on your own growth when you’re tempted to make that desperate booty call.
9. Forgive And Let Go:
Forgiving your ex is very difficult, especially if he played games with your heart. However to truly move on means to let go of the bitterness and anger. As long as you continue to harbor anger you are emotionally tied to him. This does not mean that you forget about the way he treated you, it simply means that you make peace with yourself and with your past.
The bottom line is if you sincerely want to free yourself from an unproductive relationship you will do what you have to do to let go and move on. The good news about letting go is, when you close one chapter of your life you open the door to a brand, new chapter.
Copyright 2004 by Cassandra Mack.
Cassandra Mack, MSW, is the CEO of Strategies for Empowered Living Inc. a New York based seminar company that provides professional development training and personal motivation workshops. She is alo the producer and host of “The No More Drama Hour of Power, " an online talk radio show of the New York Carib News. To contact Cassandra visit her on the web at: http://www.strategiesforempoweredliving.com