New Year Resolutions... For Fish!


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Sure, every year it is the same ol’ thing-fishermen sit down crack open a bottle of Hamms, and rattle off the same resolutions they have been rattling off for years.

Do more fishing, learn to actually tie a fly-correctly- or break down and take that trip of a lifetime you have been promising yourself for the last three decades.

For the fish, our little water dwelling friends, it is a little different.

Do they get together and crack open a nice warm can of “Mayflys", (from the land of murky baubles!) and swear off salmon eggs for the rest of their lives?

Let's take a look at what's transpiring beneath the riffles as we head into the new year. . . . .

"Hey Buck, looks like we made it another year out here in Snagville. "

"Yeah, it sure has been a rough year-Finley. "

"Tell me about it. I've kept having these recurring lip pains all year, seems to happen every few weeks, whenever I eat too much. "

"I got the same problem. Next year I swear I am going to lose some weight, stop eating so much meat and cheese. Especially worms those things are loaded with calories. "

"You know Buck, I heard about this new fad diet a few of the guys have been trying, they say it works real good. "

"Oh yeah, what is it Finley?"

"It’ called the ‘Swim-Fast’ diet. "

"SWIM-FAST, that's not new, that’ been around for years. I tried that back in 99-just wound up using it to wash down my salmon eggs, and gained nine ounces. "

"I even tried the ‘AtFins’ diet-the one where you eat nothing but caddis flys- but my cholesterol went up so high, I started overproducing my Omega-3's. "

"Whoa, that can be dangerous. "

"The best one I found was this diet they call the ‘South Beach’ diet-but our river runs north to south- so I never could find a south beach. "

"That can be a problem. Hey, pass me the clam dip. "

"Maybe we should just excercise more?"

"No way- I knew this fish named Sal, I think his last name was Monella-anyway, he decided to go on this big excercise ‘adventure', stayed away three years. Came back rock hard, bigger than I ever remember him, croaked a few months after getting back. "

"Wow, that sucks. "

"It wasn't pretty either, he got all white and sore looking, then just went belly up. "

"There was some rumours he was using FGH-you know- the Fish Growth Hormone. "

"Nah, my cousin knew Sal, said he just really grew on his big ocean adventure. "

"Guess exercise isn't all that good then-hey, try this algae it's delicious. "

"Ya know Finley, it seems like a lot of our friends have been disappearing lately. "

"I know Buck, they got that same shooting pain in their lip-seemed like they were in a real hurry to get out of here after that-and then they never came back. "

"Friends can be fickle. "

"Yeah, they come and go-but new ones always seem to show up. "

"We got any more “Mayflys"?"

"You just drank the last one. "

"Shoot, I ‘ve also got do a little less drinking in 2006. My wife won't spawn with me anymore-says I always smell like a drowned worm. "

"I hear ya man. Wife's always on my dorsal about that kinda stuff too. "

"Anyway, I love ya man-at least you and I will always be best fins. Right?"

"Easy dude, I think you may have had one to many ‘Mayflys’. You're getting sappy on me. "

"Well, the waters getting pretty brown Finley. Must be getting pretty close to the New Years. "

"Water's rising too, Buck. I bet your right. "

" Here's to a great 2006 Finley. "

"Happy New Years, Buck. "

"Guess I'll head home, back to ‘cut bank'"

"Buck, you're in no condition to swim I'll call ya cab. "

"Thanks, Fin". . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

A. J. Klott is a writer of fishing humor and things that surround the fishing world. He can also be found peddling fly tacks at


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