The game of golf is a “gentlemen's" game. The game of golf is a “gentlewoman's" game.
The mis-adventure started for me, when I was in the Air Force (on our side), as there were six of us who worked in the procurement office at the radar site where I was stationed. Four of the six people in the office played golf at the time. I didn't play, because I didn't know how to. And every Monday, without fail, all I heard was golf. . . golf. . . and more golf!
I told these guys that I didn't think the game of golf was that difficult. . . it looked pretty simple to me. The golfer hits the ball out in this big pasture. . . chases it. . . hits it again. . . chases it. . . hits it again. . . knocks the ball in the hole. . . what can be so difficult about that?
"Okay. . . 'Mr. Golf, ’ if you think golf is so easy. . . why don't you come out this week-end, and show us all how to play the game of golf! I always like a good challenge, so I responded, “Well. . . I've never been out there on that big pasture, but I hope you won't get mad if I show you all up!" I gladly took up the invitation, and now I could see for myself what this game of golf was really like. The four of us met at the golf course on Saturday morning. At this point, I didn't know a golf club from a country club. And, was just wondering if I had opened up a can of worms or my big mouth again!
"No warm-up for me, let's just get started". . . I told the boys!
Hole #1; (Tee) I hit the ball hard, but as they call it in golf, I hit it sharply to the right, which is technically called a “banana" in the golf world! (I'll try not to bury you with all these technical terms as I go along). My ball landed on another fairway, so I didn't get off to a good start!
Hole #2 (Tee); Again I took a good swing, and I was looking for the ball down the fairway, hopefully about 300 yards. . . but, I shanked it! (That's another technical golf term) I topped the ball. . . knobbed it and it trickled down off the tee about 10-12 yards! (blush-blush)
Hole #3; Shot from the rough: The drive was good, but the ball went out in the rough! There was a fence off to the left of me which was out of bounds. The only weeds I had ever seen this bad were in my back yard, and I tried to punch the ball out into the fairway! Instead, I hit the ball over the fence and bounced into a church parking lot! (The misery has just begun!)
Hole #4; I was hitting the ball far off the tee, but it was not going where I wanted it to go! This time, I hit the ball sharply to the left, and in golf, it's technically called a “hook!" So, now I've hit a “banana" and a “hook. " I don't know which is worse! I hit the ball into the bushes someplace. . . lost it. . . and now I had to use another ball.
Hole #5; (off the fairway) My tee shot wasn't too good, but I was at least in the rough, and not in the STREETS! I was about 6,000 miles from the green. . . or at least it looked that far! I was told by the others in the group, that I should use another wood for this shot. . . okay! S-w-i-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sh! That's the sound of hitting, what is technically called in golf. . . a “worm-burner! In layman's terms, that's a ball that doesn't go anywhere! (you know how golfer's are. . . they like all these fancy terms) So, it's a ball that doesn't get up into the air, and travels along the top of the grass! With a shot like this, every worm on the golf course. . . runs or crawls for cover!
"Hey, you guys. . . are you impressed with my golf so far. . . are you learning anything?" I yelled to the boys. That got me a good laugh! Okay. . . okay. . . keep the laughter down. . . you're disturbing the other golfers!
Hole #6; Off the tee I did okay, as I hit the ball long into the spinach (that's a technical golf term for the rough) I got out of the rough okay, and the ball landed in front of a pond. In golf, the technical term is “water-hazard. " (Don't ever call a pond or a lake a “pond’ or a “lake" or you might be saying hello to a five iron!) It's a water-hazard! (tah-tah!) My chip shot was to go over this pond. . . I mean water hazard. Kerr-plunk! That's the sound of my ball going into the water. . . SPLASH! Now. . . look what you did. . . Ollie! Are we doing a little comedy here! I don't see anything funny here!
Hole #7; In golf, you don't play a “game", like they do in football. In golf. . . you play a “round" of golf. . . just like people “play around" when the lights go out at night! (are you learning anything?) Again, another decent shot into the rough. . . and my rough shot was just that. . . rough! But, I managed to hit my chip shot into one of the bunkers near the green. ("Bunker" is a technical golf term for sand trap) This green is when I didn't know if I was playing golf. . . or ping-pong! I hit the STUPID ball out of the sand trap. . . excuse me. . . bunker. . . and it traveled over the green and landed in the other bunker!
Mad as hell, I stormed over the green and into the other bunker, and it took me three shots to get out of that hell-hole! (compose yourself, Jer). Again, I hit the sand shot, and my ball went across the green and into the bunker across the way that I just came from! All in all, I hit the ball FIVE TIMES out of one bunker and then back into the other bunker across the green! I have to tell you, the laughter was deafening! (blush-blush!)
Hole #8; (Tee-shot) Turning the corner, on the 8th hole, the wind was in our face, and it was now blowing quite hard. Nobody ever believes me, but this is all a true story. At the 8th tee, I got under the ball so much, and I hit it so high. . . that the wind got a hold of it. . . and carried it back to where I teed off. . . and dropped it about 12 yards BEHIND me! (the laughter continued!)
Hole #9; (Whew!) Finally, the end of the first nine holes! This hole was something called a Par 3, which means it's shorter than all the rest. (so what. . . it wasn't going to help me!) After I tee'd off, I was perfect in golf. I hit NO fairways; and I hit seven of my tee shots into the lettuce, and I hit two of my shots into the streets! On the 9th hole, my tee shot hit a tree. . . and you know the rest of the sob story!
My opinions about the game of golf. . . . . . expletive. . . expletive. . . expletive. . . expletive. . . expletive! Other than that. . . golf is a wonderful game for all the family! I was holding my buddies back on the golf course, because of my slow play, so I decided to call it quits after the nine holes. I added up my score, and I don't think I did so bad for a beginner. . . I shot a 142 for nine holes! Eat your heart out. . . Tiger!
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Copyright; Jerry Aragon; 2006