Uplifting and Explaining Politics - The Road to 2008, Part One

Andy Alt

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The Road to 2008 is paved before us. Irritation and aggravation will soon set into the hearts and minds of most reasonable Americans. As the campaign ads invade our homes - and soon our cellphones - we will be presented to choose whom we believe is most qualified to be granted the title of Resident of the United States of America. As a Resident myself, I always look forward to each election.

I'll begin with an introduction to the two primary races: the Democratic Race and the Republican Race. Each being members of the Human Race, it's important for us not to judge either species based on their ethnic background. From a scientific perspective, each of these two races possess very similar DNA and other human characteristics.

Robin Hood - the “Adam” of the Democratic Race - laid down the foundation to current traditions of this race. Robin Hood believed robbing from the rich and giving to the poor was the best way to solve poverty. There have been several genetic offshoots from Robin Hood, however, as his loyalty was to only one woman. Maid Marian was historically Robin Hood's only lover. That claim has never been refuted or contradicted by even a member of the Republican Race. With regard to more recent members of the Democratic Race, radiation exposure from the atomic age caused an alteration. As a result, Resident Kennedy(1961-1963) and Resident Clinton(1993-2001) didn't follow Robin Hood's example of monogamy.

The Sheriff of Knottingham, a distant relative to Resident Bush, was Robin Hood's opposite. He strongly opposed Mr. Hood's viewpoint and domestic social policy. They had one common interest: the Sheriff was heavily attracted to Maid Marian. Despite the lust and longing, the Sheriff of Knottingham strictly upheld his strong family values while attempting to acquire Maid Marian's love and never once did he ask his wife for a divorce. From the Sheriff of Knottingham sprung the Republican Race and Newt Gingrich.

Final items of note: At that time in history, both races were isolationists and had no foreign policy objectives. The Sheriff never doubted his absolute authority over his citizens, so he was a confident, strong ruler. Similarly, Resident Bush switches off his spell-checker when writing documents because he knows the software is wrong.

My fictitious introduction is now over, and my equally fictitious conclusion brings me to the future, one year from now. There will be many candidates for Resident of the United States. Endorsement of any of those candidates is not my intention. My intent is only to misinform, confuse, and distort the readers’ senses. My hope, however, is that 48,000,000 years from the 2012 election there will be Hispanic candidates on each subsequent ballot. This method of granting a legal Residency of the United States is one of the few issues that I'm confident can be agreed on by both the Democratic Race and Republican Race.

Andy Alt


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