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A Guide to the Male Mind

Jeffrey Hauser

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I figure that I’m as qualified as anyone considering that I’ve been a male for the past 58 years. I’ve got to see how other male friends, family, and coworkers have acted, in addition to a variety of complete strangers. It’s a fascinating, if not disturbing study of the Mars side of the species. We are a unique group with our quirks and idiosyncrasies that are often apt to drive the Venus side to utter distraction. But that’s our lot and also our endearing quality.

So, with that brief introduction, allow me to paint a picture of the male inner-thinking for the entertainment of the woman reading this. I realize that not all men have all these characteristics, but most do yet we will deny it when confronted and that is actually one of our downfalls. But I digress, as many men do. I should begin with the most obvious of traits. So here they are, in no particular order:

  • We never ask directions, no matter how lost we appear. We would sooner die a few blocks from our destination than seek out help.
  • Are never wrong, even when absolute proof is placed on our lab. We are simply misguided or perhaps not as right as we could be.
  • We never replace or throw out our underwear, even when it is down to a single thread.
  • We never consult the instruction manuals for things needing assembly. After all, how could the manufacturer know more than us?
  • We try not to think too much about an issue, and rather jump right in with a few ideas that may or may not work, based on pure instinct and muscle.
  • We don’t listen to our wives or girl friends as they talk. Or we only absorb bits and pieces of their speech while we are mentally miles away.
  • We love to look at *** , naked or partially clothed woman and will deny it when confronted.
  • We enjoy tools and gadgets and can’t understand why a handbag or woman’s shoes could ever be any better than a laser leveler.
  • We rarely cry at sad or sappy movies and, if we do, we simply explain we have allergies.
  • We like to be in control even when we are in over our heads and will only ask for help as a last resort.
  • We enjoy our alone time in our den or garage. But we find this hard to explain to our spouses when they assume we are mad or want to be apart.
  • We don’t like a lot of foreplay before sex and the after-sex cuddle time. We enjoy the physical act and then want to get back to our football game.
  • Speaking of football, we love to watch sports and games, including poker and especially woman’s wrestling when it’s available, If it’s in the mud with bikinis, all the better.

I could go on and on but I’m easily distracted and need to make myself a super-sized sandwich and grab a beer. If I can think of any others, I’ll do a follow-up article but probably wont’ because most men are procrastinators anyway.

Jeffrey Hauser was a sales consultant for the Bell System Yellow Pages for nearly 25 years. He graduated from Pratt Institute with a BFA in Advertising and has a Master's Degree in teaching. He had his own advertising agency in Scottsdale, Arizona and ran a consulting and design firm, ABC Advertising. He has authored 6 books and a novel, “Pursuit of the Phoenix. " His latest book is, “Inside the Yellow Pages" which can be seen at his website, Currently, he is the Marketing Director for a Health Information and Doctor Referral site.


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