My name is Jaci Rae and this is my true love story. When I first began “serious" dating, everyone was supposed to be “the one. " At least that's what everyone told me. ‘He's the one for you. ’ ‘When are you two going to get married?’ ‘Has he popped the question yet?’ What many people never saw was the inner turmoil of the relationship and the way the man treated me behind the scenes.
Society sees single people as sad and alone, yet whenever I was in a relationship, I was deeply lonely. However, the underlying current of feeling lonely when I was in a relationship was much less when I was single, only now I had the added value of feeling rejected, too. Why? How could I be lonely when I had “the one" sitting next to me and how, when I was single and alone, could I feel less lonely than when I was with “the one?"
Other questions constantly raced through my mind such as: Was I always the wrong person? Why wasn't I ever Mrs. Right?
To give you more insight into me and how I ended up in a string of wash out relationships with men who broke my heart and my bank account many times you need a little understanding about my background.
I grew up poor with the added feeling of being very unwanted. I lived in a house that wasn't a home, filled with drug addicts and predators and I was the child with a key around my neck. My Mom wasn't home much because she had to work to support two children as a single mother without child support so I grew up feeling very rejected and alone. Do you see the pattern?
Don't blame my Mom for what happened to me. If it hadn't been that way, I wouldn't have grown up to be who I am today. My brother succumbed to the drug life by the age of seven and I said no. There but the Grace of God go I, really. I grew up with my older brother seeking me out for help and guidance, and calling me Mom most of the time.
His escape at a very young age was drugs and alcohol and mine was food. Either I didn't eat at all, acting out my anorexia or I ate ravenously, something I still struggle with today. Food was the only thing I could control in my own life and the way I learned to punish myself for being so “bad. " Why did I think I was bad? My reasoning as a child was; if I were a good girl, no one would harm me. Therefore, I must be very bad and I was being punished for being so.
By the age of eight, I started on a journey to discover why these men sought to harm me and why I was so ugly, stupid, fat and horrible. I ravenously read every book I could find at the school library during lunch, and magazines at home. Once I was older and had a job (age 12) I bought books and music, even though I needed clothing and food more. It started me on a journey that hasn't stopped; my love of what makes people tick and how relationships work or don't.
Let's move to events that are more recent. With all my education and studying, I still ended up in the “wrong" relationship. Why? I had changed my pattern, or so I thought. I picked people with different backgrounds, different careers, different education levels, different socio-economic backgrounds and different looks. What was wrong? I always seemed to pick the man who would treat me the worst. The “good" ones only wanted to be my friends.
During that time, I was sought after by friends and family, and people who were referred to me to help them understand themselves and their relationships. Why was I able to help them and not myself? I knew the basic rule that I must love myself before anyone else would love me, but I knew that I could never love myself. I was too ugly. Too fat. Too stupid. In addition to any other horrible adjectives I could throw at myself. So I hid myself even further.
The laws of attraction that most of us have heard, but practically no one adheres too, ruled over me. I only attracted those that would hurt me the most because I spent most of my spare time hurting myself mentally with words and physically with food. I hadn't changed the way I felt about myself, so how could I expect the men in my life to change the way they treated me?
One day, while I was sitting with my then-boyfriend a revelation came over me. The words I had read about, studied and preached to others hit me full in the face. I deserve better and I am not junk. This man, who had been a dear friend for years, was my boyfriend now and he was horrible to me! He was a great friend but sucked at the boyfriend gig.
As I sat in the room with a bunch of NFL people, I realized many of these men and women needed to score points with themselves and their “loved" ones and not just put a show on so others thought they did. That's when the title, “Winning Points With The Woman In Your Life One Touchdown at a Time – How to Score For Men and Women" came to my mind.
At first, I fought writing this book. How could I possibly mix football and love? I wasn't even a huge football fan! However, once I sat down to do so it came out quickly (I learned a lot about football along the way!).
The next step I took to write the book was to interview men and women on the street to find out what their thoughts were about relationships and what made them crazy in them. A year and a half of research later I started the real journey of self-discovery. I wasn't the horrible, awful, ugly person I believed deep in my soul I was. I was a kind person who struggled with her weight, but that didn't mean I didn't deserve the best.
It was also at that point that I realized I was much happier being single than being in a relationship and I started to practice the self-love I always spoke and wrote about. For two years, I wrote and I was happy - elated actually. People would stop me on the street just to say how much I glowed. It was amazing.
They say love comes when you least expect it, and that's what happened to me. It was during my time of happy singleness, that I met the man who would turn out to be my soul mate. We talked for hours and I mean truly talked. I had never really had such in-depth conversation with anyone!
Nevertheless, I ran scared. A month later, I was in a relationship with a man who was fun but a player. After a month with him, I realized what I was doing and headed as fast as I could in the other direction. I called up the other man and we went on our first date. He was kind and sensitive (gorgeous to boot) and he even sidestepped me from doggy poop on our hike.
We spent the entire afternoon and well into the wee hours of the next morning just talking and laughing. However, when I left him for my car I knew I wasn't going to date him. My mom called me the next day and asked me how the date had gone. I told her what a wonderful time I had and how wonderful he was. I then stated firmly, “…but I am not going to date him. " She said, “oh…how sad. "
Something clicked inside me at that moment and I turned around and said, “No way! I am going to date him. " And that's just what I did. In that instance I made a choice (and you can too) to change my dating pattern. I was going to go for the man I wasn't attracted too. The man who didn't have the element of “danger, " which is what seemed to be underlying in all the other men I had dated.
That was nearly two years ago and I am still totally in love as he is with me. We literally spend almost all of our time together (we work side by side as well) and while we have occasional disagreements, we always apologize. We are a normal couple after all! He really is the most incredible man I have ever known.
So what changed and how can you change your life so you can attract the one person that will treat you like gold? I go over that a lot in Winning Points With The Woman In Your Life One Touchdown at a Time (Simon and Schuster – Fireside). Despite the title, this book is for both sexes and is not all about Football. While I do use football language in the book, it's not a football book per se.
But the crux of it is this, first your must make a decision to love yourself and treat yourself with respect and second you must make a decision to change your life, which includes your love life. It's that basic. No one can give you a magic pill or potion and no words can change anything in your life until you make a decision and commitment to yourself to change.
A final word…is my life perfect? Nothing is perfect, but I am perfectly in love. Do I still struggle with my self-esteem? Yes. It's like any addictive behavior. When you are addicted to self-abusive behavior, it's something you must keep in check. However, I do love myself and I don't talk to myself as I used to. I also believe I deserve love and respect. Do I still struggle with my weight? Yes. That disease will be a life-long struggle. Just like an alcoholic, I have to take it one day at a time.
I encourage you to work towards the best relationship that you deserve. Read, study, but most of all learn about you and affirm yourself. I wish you a great journey in life, love and happiness.
Thank you for reading about me and my life. I hope it helped you in some way gain a better understanding of yourself and perhaps take a step to start changing your life and the way you are loved and love. Blessings, Jaci Rae
Jaci Rae's grit and determination have brought her from an impoverished childhood to a career as an award-winning singer, No. 1 best-selling author and entrepreneur who has toured around the world. Jaci shares her down-to-earth advice as the relationship advisor/expert/dating coach for igniteromance.com, savvymiss.com, lovingyou.com, loveisgreat.com and lsinglescafe.net
She is the author of The Indie Guide to Music, Marketing and Money, as well as Winning Points With The Woman In Your Life One Touchdown At A Time, Shop for a Day with Jaci Rae How to Get Almost Anything for Free (not published yet) and Collista's Search for the True Meaning of Christmas (not published yet).
Jaci spends her spare time working on her music, writing and hanging out with family and friends. For more information, go to
About.com Dating Guide lists Jaci's book, Winning Points With The Woman In Your Life One Touchdown At A Time in the top six of all time dating / relationship books.