Relationship Advice: Breaking Away from an Abusive Partner: You Can-You Must

Margrit Harris

Visitors: 227

Today I rejoiced!

"I have finally decided to end a 7 year relationship with a man that is abusive, verbally, physically and emotionally. I made the mistake of going back with him at least 5 times within those 7 years. . . "

This good woman after being put down in every imaginable way had the strength and the courage to leave and leave for good.

You might be saying to yourself why on earth did she stay for so long? My retort. Why do you eat what you eat, sleep the way you sleep and fold your arms the way you do. Yes, fold your arms.

Go ahead do it now. Which hand ends up on top? Your right or your left? Is there a right or a wrong way to fold your arms? No, there is just one way that you've done this for years and it feels comfortable.

Now fold them the opposite way. Feels rather awkward doesn't it?

The same is true for most everything in our lives. We do things out of routine and habit, much of it stemming from the way we were raised by our parents, church and social environment. This includes abuse. A large percentage of abused women grew up in abusive homes. So that's what feels “comfortable" to them even if logically it makes no sense at all.

There are two reasons that it is so essential that you move out if you are in an abusive relationship:

One, for your personal safety and well being

Second, for the safety and well being of your children, your children's children and their families

It's your mission to end the cycle!

"Now I am having another problem. He calls my number over and over and over, sometimes for 20 minutes straight. I do not pick up. Should I email him so he knows where I stand and the calls hopefully will stop?"

No! Don't email him with your regular email address otherwise he will flood your inbox with nasty messages.

One thing we must realize is that the abuser thinks purely selfishly. He is out only to serve his own needs. He does not think logically like the rest of us. His heart has this huge big hole in it that he desperately tries to fill in all the wrong ways.

The only way to break the ties is to absolutely restrict all contact and prevent all access to you. In this dear woman's case I recommended she create a new email account strictly to email him if she had a need for closure, and then to immediately close the account or to absolutely never go back to use it.

Letting go and getting out of an abusive relationship takes an inordinate about of courage and that is but the half of it. The other equally important half is to debrief with a counselor or via self discovery program [ideally both] so as not to repeat the pattern.

Remember the smoker trying to give up smoking? Or the heart attack victim trying to give up fatty foods? When ever we are making such huge shifts in our lives we need to find healthy constructive substitutes so we don't back slide.

The same is true for the woman leaving an abusive relationship. It is essential that she understand how she got herself lured into such a relationship, and to learn to not only safe guard herself, but to find new ways of being to attract a healthy partner.

Starting a relationship off right may sound simple, however, for the woman reeling from an abusive situation she must relearn how to ride that bicycle so she doesn't crash and burn.

That reminds me of a story.

There was this athletic young woman who hadn't been on a bicycle in years. She accepted an invitation to go mountain biking with near disastrous results. Going down steep rough trails she continued to use primarily her front break sending her flying over the handle bars into the sage brush and on to rocks, over and over again. Being used to excelling at most sports she didn't stop to ask for help and didn't heed the advice of her friend, so she went home full of scrapes and bruises.

It wasn't until several years later when she once again was coerced into going biking that she was ready to listen and change her braking behavior. This time she had a good experience and ended up becoming quite an adept mountain biker as everyone knew she could. All it took was changing a simple procedure of how to apply the brakes.

For those just getting out of a bad relationship its time to take a look at what needs to be adjusted so that the next relationship can be the positive rewarding and happy experience it is meant to be.

Margrit Harris, MSSW, international relationship expert, speaker and author is co-creator of "Get the Right Guy for the Real You" an online interactive course to position the single woman to attract and keep Mr. Right for life.


Article Source:

Rate this Article: 
Jealously and Abusive Relationships When is Jealously a Sign of an Abusive ..
Rated 4 / 5
based on 5 votes

Related Articles:

Abusive Relationship Healing 5 Tips For Lifting Depression After Your Abusive ..

by: Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. (July 30, 2008) 
(Relationships/Domestic Violence)

Relationship Advice How to Improve Your Relationship Even If Your Partner ..

by: Jack Ito Ph.D. (July 02, 2008) 

Daughters Abusive Relationship How to Help Your Daughter Recognize Her Abusive ..

by: Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. (July 23, 2008) 
(Relationships/Domestic Violence)

Abusive Relationship 8 Reasons You Havent Left Your Abusive Relationship

by: Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. (July 28, 2008) 
(Relationships/Domestic Violence)

Abusive Relationship, to Stay Or to Go How Do You Know When to Leave an Abusive .

by: Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. (June 30, 2008) 
(Relationships/Domestic Violence)

Healing in Abusive Relationships - 7 Secrets to Successful Survival in an ..

by: Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. (July 16, 2008) 
(Relationships/Domestic Violence)

Abusive Relationship Subtle Communication Patterns of Abusive Relationships

by: Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. (June 27, 2008) 
(Relationships/Domestic Violence)

Relationship Advice How Does Your Partner Handle Anger?

by: Dana Rhinehart (July 20, 2008) 

Relationship Advice: Can My Partner Change? 3 Simple Steps to Make It Happen

by: Margrit Harris (September 12, 2005) 

Jealously and Abusive Relationships When is Jealously a Sign of an Abusive ..

by: Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. (July 21, 2008)