The brilliant British astrophysicist, Steven Hawking, has invited people to submit suggestions to his Website via Yahoo on how the human race might last another hundred years. Given that the dinosaurs lasted about 150 million years and we’re worried about making it – given our 100,000-year-or-so history – to a mere 100,100, we decided we must, after all, be even less perspicacious about what it takes to survive than the lofty dinos.
To moderate any possible abbreviation of our stay, we thought we’d present ten ideas that we call “Look, Dummy. "
Since one of the delights of writing this informed laugh fest is knowing we don’t have a single reader who could be even remotely described as a dummy, these ideas are obviously intended for your amusement but might also serve as a convenience when you come across people who seem to have a certain impenetrability when it comes to what is gaspingly obvious.
1. Look, Dummy: A tree. You can’t make one, so don’t cut them all down.
2. Look, Dummy: A fish. You can’t make one either, so don’t catch them all.
3. Look, Dummy: An animal: You can’t make any of these either, so don’t kill them all or crowd them all out.
4. Look, Dummy: The atmosphere; You have to breathe it, so don’t poison it.
5. Look, Dummy: Water. You have to drink it, so don’t pollute it.
6. Look, Dummy: The earth. Looks great blue and white, in fact, like a natural Paradise. Not so nice black, in fact, more like a cinder. So make nice, not war.
7. Look, Dummy: Yourself. A mind, we trust; a body, no doubt; and a spirit or communicative feelings, we sense. When you do good things with them, you feel good. So do a lot of them, especially while you have the opportunity.
8. Look, Dummy: Other human beings. We’re all here because of the same Cause, so, whatever you do, don’t try to please that generous Cause by killing other people, especially for what your bent mind thinks of as religious reasons.
9. Look, Dummy: Men and women. One and one are two. Two generally make a half each, not three quarters and one quarter. So consider them as equal.
10. Look, Dummy, Life: No doubt we’ve got it. No doubt you take good care of it, you’ll last longer and have more fun – and, conveniently enough, be more likely to please whatever put it here.
Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing “"delightfully funny" and “witty" with “good, genuine laughs. "