- Even when they know others after them use the same toilet as they do, they still go ahead and make a frickin mess
- They insist they’re right 100% of the time, even when they’re wrong 95% of the time
- Unless they’re part of some remote tribe (say, the Arapesh or Mundugumor of Papua New Guinea), their only demonstration of emotional sensitivity is when they miss the TV remote
- As a rule, they’d rather go to bed smelling, than make even a modicum of effort to have a quick wash first before getting into bed with you
- When they know you are right in a point of argument, they still frickin argue with you (but only until you’re reduced to tears, and then they’ll apologise … if you’re lucky)
- When you cry, they freak out, get frustrated, fcuk off or freeze up
- When they cry, they are pathetic, self-pitying and worse than kids (even kids say so!)
- When you are ill, they consider it an infringement of their freedom and needs…whereas
- When they are, they make out it’s Doomsday and the four frickin horsemen are riding their backs, and
- They become more demanding than babies in wanting to be molly cuddled over their poor wittle cough/sore wittle toe/and wittle tummy wupset
- Lifting the toilet seat to have a pee is a Herculean task for them; theyd rather climb Everest (don’t ask why; it’s unfathomable and they don’t care, but they like it easy!)
- They love you, but they love it more when you love them
- But don’t say you love them too much, or at the wrong time, cos otherwise you’ll suffocate them and they need their space, woman/man!
- They love to sniff their fingers after doing unsavoury things – WTF?!
- Their bo*ink-on is justification enough to do it, irrespective of how you feel or what you want at the time
- They want all the benefits of a relationship without making any effort (unless they want s*ex)
- They’re as sincere and devoted as their bo*ink-on lasts
- They behave with their friends in front of you as if you’re simply an object or a target or invisible
- And then they wonder why you’re so p*issed off with them afterwards?
- They are relieved when you stop crying, irrespective of caring or knowing why you’ve cried or why you stopped
- And you’re lucky if you’ve found a guy that does understand why (see 19) cos most don’t and you need to spell it out in six-foot-high neon letters (and preferably with a rubber hammer or tattoo on their forehead, or a kick to their rubber parts to drive the message home)
- When you say you don’t want to be bo*inked there, they continue to insist with their bo*ink-on there
- They don’t wash their hands after going to the toilet
- They can be supportive of you, but please don’t expect it during a footie match/other sports on TV, cos that’s just selfish, innit?
- One more drink in the pub means “I’ll see you six hours later, darling, post-kebab shop, with donner stains all over me and the freshest breath since kitty litter, and if you can be ready for a drunken sha*g, that’d be great, cheers love”
- Their idea of comforting you when you’re upset/ill/troubled is as short-lived as their memory of why you were p*issed off with them in the first place.
And more besides, god bless em. (Cos no-one else will. Ahem.
Do, please, zap me a comment/tweet or whatever’s easiest to let me know what else to add to the list so I can do another update – all suggestions welcome!
August 23, 2011 (733)