Domestic Goddess? You Have To Be Kidding!!

Sharon Jacobsen

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I’ve tried. I really have tried. It went against my nature but I gave it my best shot and it just doesn’t want to happen. I am, quite simply, not a domestic goddess.

I’ve visited websites that are designed to help me get my home organised to almost military precision and read books that tell me how to remove stains from every imaginable surface with the aid of all sorts of weird and wonderful potions, but still my house remains the same. A mess! Albeit, a comfortable mess, but a mess just the same.

Right now, the situation’s bordering on the extreme, but that’s down to lack of cupboards, drawers and other storage facilities. Or so I say. If I’m honest though, that’s only part of the problem. The rest is all down to me and my lack of desire to join the ranks of the ‘clean queens’.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not living in a filthy pigsty or anything. My floors get washed, but often they’ll have to wait a day or three longer than they should before I get round to doing them. We wear clean clothes, but you’ll often find a skirt and blouse hanging in front of the gas fire in the evening, being dried for the next morning after discovering that the only clean clothes I have are an old pair of jeans and an out of shape t-shirt. We always have clean towels, but I can’t guarantee you’ll find them in the airing cupboard, where they should be. No, you may well have to run downstairs and hunt through the pile of clean washing that hasn’t quite made it upstairs yet. It's usually on top of the dirty washing basket making more washing difficult to do without first removing that which is already done. A clever ploy, eh?

All in all, things happen in a pretty relaxed tempo around here.

But relaxation can quickly turn to panic.

“Oh heck! There’s no loo paper!” – Do you recognise that one? You’ve been busting to go, dash to the bathroom, sit down, let it go and then you notice it. Where soft, fluffy paper once resided, there’s now nothing but a mucky grey cardboard roll. A quick look on the toilet cistern, or wherever your extras are usually kept, confirms your fears. Anybody who’s ever had to deal with this situation knows just how awful it is. I swear, one day, I will be organised enough to know that at any given time, there will always be paper by the toilet.

“Sorry. I can’t offer you a cup of tea. I’ve run out of sugar”. – Even when I know I’m expecting company, I’m too damned disorganised to check these things beforehand. Do I have teabags, sugar, milk? How would I know? Well of course I know. I made a cup of tea last night and there wasn’t much sugar left. Take into account that the kids had cereal this morning and in all probability there isn’t much, if any, left. Why do these things just not sink in with me? Am I a complete airhead? No. I don’t think so. I blame it on having a busy brain. Some would say that I should keep it busy by thinking of things that matter rather than wondering how super glue was invented or whether or not to buy myself some frilly undies, but the fact remains the same; I’m just too busy thinking about more interesting things to notice the decline in our sugar supply. Will I ever learn?

“I’ll just put this in to soak”. – There’s a pile of washing up and by the time I get to the pots and pans I’m sick to the eye teeth of standing at the sink scrubbing dried organic residue from plates, bowls and other feeding utensils. All due to the fact that I didn’t rinse them off when I should’ve done, let alone wash them up straight away. The pots and pans have a tendency to be left to soak and you can bet your best set of cutlery that I’ll later need the sink for something, only to discover them sitting there in my way. What happens? I end up doing the most undesirable part of the washing-up procedure at record speed, but at a time when I least feel like doing it. Washing-up as you go along sounds like such a fine and dandy idea, but still my mountain grows!

“Does anybody know where’s there’s a pen that works?” – I have a plastic pot on my desk. In this pot there are pens. Four of them at the moment. One of them writes well enough to make quick notes, but I certainly wouldn’t want to write a letter with it. It’s one of those stop-starters. A cheapo left over from a pack of 10 for 99p. The other three won’t write at all. (For those who are interested, I’ve just binned them after trying them, rather than put them back in the pen pot, like I usually do – I’m learning). If I scout around a bit, I’ll probably find another 4 or 5 pens. If I’m lucky, 1 or 2 or them will probably write. I’ll have taken me 20 minutes to find them though.

“The washing machine won’t spin. Where’s the guarantee?” – Errr…. I believe we’re expected to keep our paperwork in a reasonably orderly fashion? Well, miracles could happen I suppose, but unfortunately, none have happened yet. I’ve got a draw with hanging files in my desk. There are about 30 files in there, all neatly labeled. “Bills to pay” – “Bills Paid” – “Birth, Wedding and other certificates” – “Bank Statements” – etc. , etc. Now wouldn’t you think it would be easy to lay your hands on that guarantee with a system like that? Of course it would but that'd mean having to actually put things in there. There’s a huge difference between the filing system I intend to use, and the one that actually exists, namely a huge pile of papers on top of the desk, some of which have fallen down the back, and a shelf full of all sorts of paper things but quite honestly, I’ve no idea what they are. Oh well, I had good intentions.

Things could change but at the moment our house is ‘blessed’ with a distinct air of disorganisation. But we laugh about it, and we get on with it. It’s our home and until I decide to get my head out of the clouds and knuckle down to some real hard discipline and get all domestic, this is the way it will stay.


Sharon Jacobsen is a full-time freelance writer based in South Cheshire, England. For a reasonable fee she'll happily write articles that your readers will love, and on any subject from dance to divination. Sharon can also deliver compelling sales letters, press releases, e-books and just about anything else that's related to the written word.

To contact Sharon, or to learn more about her work, please visit:


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