Lately I've had the problem of falling asleep with my contact lenses still in my eyes. And by “lately, " I mean for the past seven years. This, in a lot of ways, is the pinnacle of laziness because the removal of contacts takes no more than a minute or two, or three hours if it's your first time. But I've come to the conclusion this morning that there is a reason I fail to remove the contacts: deep down, I am hoping to find certain people in my dreams. So if I have the contacts on my eyes, then perhaps my eyes will be able to contact them. Isn't logic wonderful? I am pretty sure, in fact, that if I never remove my contacts, a telephone may become a thing of the past. . .
If we really do follow logic with our eyes, then why don't we use potatoes as optometrists? Any vegetable with that many eyes must have good sight. The only thing we'd have to worry about is their communication skills, because I've yet to hear a potato talk, especially not in full sentences. Plus, we need to get rid of the negative stereotypes of potatoes caused by Mr. Potato Head, who never seems to have his feet or arms in the right place. Quite honestly, I don't think we can trust something - or someone - like that with our vision. Truly you'd be able to say that nobody “nose" the trouble if your nose is in an eye socket. . .
If the trust does accumulate, I think we need to assure the general population that not only will these potatoes test our eye sight, but they will also help to remove pointy objects, such as broken light bulbs from lamps. Imagine the possible diagnosis: “Well, your eyes are good, but your lamp is going to have to stay here for another 24 hours. You can never be careful, you know. "
Speaking of columns going nowhere, I think most rabbits have more money than people realize, with all those carrots and whatnot. The thing is, what is a rabbit supposed to do with money? This question leads me to think that rabbits need financial advisers who will take care of money matters and tell them that money does matter, but then tell them the opposite once they invest half of their money and lose it. Bugs and Roger would be proud. . .
In conclusion, I must stop falling asleep with contacts in my eyes, because eventually such an action will cause me to write very bad columns about rabbits and money. Luckily I don't think that will happen for quite some time. . .
But I digress.
Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, “Progressive Revelations, " has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com )