March 21st - April 20th
Despite your best efforts this month, the dwarf you kidnapped and kept locked up in your spare room manages to overpower you and escape. You will learn a valuable lesson; dwarves have the strength of 7 men.
April 21st - May 21st
You are considered dull and not very exciting by your work colleagues. Change all that this month by going to work with your skirt tucked in your knickers. Add extra leverage by leaving toilet paper hanging out as well.
May 22nd - June 21st
A sign of a haunted house is a bad smell. For some time now a bad smell has been following you around your home and you have toyed with the idea of a ghostly presence. Septic Peg is the bearer of bad news for you; the smell that surrounds you is your breath.
June 22nd - July 22nd
Whilst in your bedroom at home, you hear faint moans, loud rattling noises and the occasional scream coming from the room next door. You are sure you have a ghost. Get a grip, your mother is sleeping with the lodger.
July 23rd - August 23rd
You are attracted to a beautiful female. Long red locks, lovely white teeth and gorgeous slender legs. If only it wasn’t against the law to have a relationship with your red setter.
August 24th - September 22nd
Repercussions are severe this month when you are caught sniffing your boss’ chair. A word of warning; next time wait until she has got up before giving in to your desires.
September 23rd - October 23rd
Your voluntary work for help the aged is much appreciated. The old fella, George ‘the donkey’ Jones, has copped a feel once too often and you will strike him with his own walking stick. Your services will no longer be required by help the aged.
October 24th - November 22nd
Humiliation will wash over you this month when you realise that the office hunk was watching you pick your nose and, worse still, eating it. Gone are the dreams of you running through meadows together, the wind in your hair. You make him feel sick.
November 23rd - December 21st
This month you are challenged to be both open minded and discreet when you witness your neighbour ‘entertaining’ a local lad. Climbing a ladder with your digital camera in hand is very open minded but not very discreet.
December 22nd - January 20th
A business opportunity comes your way this month. Remember to do your research before committing yourself to this opportunity. After all, is there much demand for chocolate fireguards? Ring this number 09015 246 888 (£2.50 per minute) to find out about other worthy business ventures.
January 21st - February 18th
Your dwarf throwing contest at the local school fair is very successful. At least it is for the throwers, not the dwarfs. One dwarf is impaled on the school fence and another rebounds off the bouncy castle and is never seen again.
February 19th - March 20th
Food will play an important role in your sex life this month. Your wife will come home, catch you in bed with a floozy and fling your dinner at you. Lesson learnt this month; too many cooks spoil the broth.
These stars are showcased on http://www.24-7london.co.uk 24-7 London is an online entertainment guide to London with a sense of humour. Different people in our company write the stars, depending on whether or not they have ‘the gift’.