Edgemont, South Dakota – More bad news for naturalistic practitioners! A new scientific study not only dispelled several long-standing theories about male potency, it also revealed the harmful side effects of many traditional remedies.
At a press conference Thursday morning Scientists at the US Government’s Sterility Treatment and Impotency Facility (STIF) in South Dakota announced their findings with regards to the effectiveness of several, previously hopefully, naturalistic treatments. The grim report may cause another massive recall of rhino horn, tooth paste throughout the international market place.
Dr. Berkley Killnomore told reporters that of 275 patients studied in a blind scientific test, 276 became impotent for a minimum of 48 hours after consuming dog meat. Long-term results showed patients who consumed dog meat more than once had progressively longer incidence or erectile dysfunction. Eventually many test subjects penises actually shrank by as much as 85% (similar to a toy poodle’s wanker). The sterility became irreversible. Fish sauce and rice both accelerated the rate of decline.
“We caution the public not to panic, " advised study Director, Abat Freakentime. A French study of soy based proteins is being looked at by impotent researchers. “There are indication that soy beans help recover virility in rats when consumed in large concentration. Therefore it shows promise in people who eat dogs. However more research is needed, " Dr. Freakentime cautioned.
It may take many years before a practical pharmaceutical cure for canis consumptionis is developed, even with the virility boosting components of soy almost isolated. One harmful side-effect is that if men consume dog or soy, while they have rhino horn in their system, over stimulated ‘willies’ fall straight off.
Many readers may recall last years announcement by Atlanta’s CBC (Center for Bladder Control) documenting the connection between bear gallbladder ingestion and hyperunrinosis (i. e. p-ssing ones-self). Consumers lined up for hours demanding refunds for all their family’s gallbladder product. Most had to leave the lines to find a bathroom long before overwhelmed clerks processed their returns.
In protest Chinese Herbalist dumped gallbladders and Depends on the steps of the Capitol Building. They demanded a two pronged approach by government; better product research of endangered animal parts and more absorbent male panty liners.
One possible solution to protect the planets *** potency may be for some ingenious non-profit company to flood the dangerous aphrodisiac market with counterfeit products. Grind up toe nail clippings and selling them as rhino horn. What herbalist has a microscope powerful enough to tell bogus pig gallbladder from bear? The value of selling animal parts would be lost as prices fall - and impotency deflates.
Hollywood is already joining the fight. At a Save Our Sex (SOS) fundraiser actress Patty Layall stated, “It may take a village to save our sex lives, but I’ve got ten toenail clippings that say no more animals should be killed. " Meanwhile, the events caterer served chicken jerky in doggie bags. It tastes just like Lassie, but with none of the dangerous reproductive consequences.
In Washington, DC Senator Ima Sellout voiced agreement with lobbyists from People for Erectile Dysfunction Activism (PEDA), by signing a petition stating that ‘impotent men are an international problem’. “I have a long-standing record on concurring impotency. I’ll give them all a hand, " she promised. Then, before chugging off in her massive 4WD, Senator Sellout added, “For now citizens should pursue virility as nature intended – take Viagra like its candy from a Pez dispenser. "
The major fear among researchers is that the majority of good folks who eat dog meat, bear gallbladder and rhino horn are the same people who have the least contact with educational media (no sh-t). There is no time to lose. Dr. Killnomore suggests, “We must stop people from eating puppies and animal parts as aphrodisiacs. It is the job of every individual traveling this earth to spread the word to undereducated consumers, “Eating these products will make your pecker stop working and fall off. " Forget the animals, save the peckers!
Once you know thy enemy, the game can be played to win!
Nola L. Kelsey is currently wandering SE Asia for two years. Her backpack and laptop keep her partially grounded. Kelsey’s the author of the satire Bitch Unleashed: The Harsh Realities of Goin’ Country and coauthor of the wicked political spoof Keeping the Masses Down. To read more of Kelsey’s work, visit her rarely up-to-date website at: http://www.nolakelsey.com