Bin Laden Dead Or Alive? Since Nobody's Sure, We Wrote Both Articles

 


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Bin Laden Dead

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

We know this for certain, because, after five years of knowing only that he had access to a tape recorder, we were bound to know at least one thing about him that is certain.

We’re also as aware as we care to be that there have been previous rumors of his death. But, as we all know, when you want something to happen, at least three or four rumors seem required before one is actually true.

So how do we know this one is the real deal?

One of the world’s least likely sources of the news, President Jacques Chirac of France, noted that information contained in a French intelligence document, leaked to a newspaper and based on an uncorroborated report from Saudi secret services, indicated that OBS definitely died of an outbreak of typhoid fever in Pakistan in August.

Yes, at long last, Osama Bin Laden has kicked the turban.

Now, most of the world can do two things: be glad he’s gone where he can no longer plot like the very devil against us but be sorry we didn’t catch him so we could have played some role in helping him along to where he can no longer ply his villainous ways against us.

The remainder of the world, who somehow found merit in a man who not only killed thousands of innocent people and instigated the deaths of thousands more, but also found it necessary to operate in such a way that he had an unusually high mortality rate among his employees, may not mourn the passing of the man who salved, with his own hatred, theirs.

The truth of Bin Laden, as we all suspect, is that he was a spoiled rich kid who became compulsive about compensatory behavior and decided his role in life was to bomb sources of wealth, particularly, the great source he could excuse as being conducted by infidels, as emblazoned on the world’s consciousness as The World Trade Center.

Only trouble is, the tantrums of his disgruntled child within cost a lot of wonderful, innocent people their lives and traumatized their families beyond description.

The other truth is, he turned out to be a rat in every sense of the word, because when pursued he scurried into a hole where neither all the Pres’s men nor all the Pres’s allies could get him to come out again.

Now, the world can turn its justifiably vengeful attention to Ayman al-Zawahiri, his terrorist sidekick. Unfortunately, he’s a lapsed pediatrician, so he may remember enough about sanitary practices to avoid water that might contain typhus.

We can only be consoled that in each video he looks closer to falling over from old age and ill health, even while he’s maniacally recording yet more of his invocations to murder and mayhem.

But back to Bin Laden. He met his end, as most monsters do, because of how he chose to trouble us. If he had been sane and conducted his life proudly as a responsible member of the Bin Laden family, he would not have found himself in a place where typhoid fever was a likely intruder in his domicile and, if by some chance, it did intrude, he would have received the most exquisite medical care, probably as an out patient.

So, at long last, it’s time to say, “Bye-Bye, Binny!”

Bin Laden Alive

While for an instant most of the world lived in the hope that the world's most detested man is dead, their leaping spirits were soon dashed on the hard rock of reality. The monster still breathes in his fetid cave.

We know this for certain, because after five years of knowing only that he owns a tape recorder, we were bound to know at least one thing about him that is certain.

We’re as aware as we care to be that there have been previous rumors of his death. But, as we all know, when you want something to happen, at least three or four rumors seem required before one is actually true.

So how do we know this rumor is just another piece of logos bogus?

One of the world’s least likely sources of the news, President Jacques Chirac of France, noted that information contained in a French intelligence document, leaked to a newspaper and based on an uncorroborated report from Saudi secret services, indicated he might have died in such a suspect way that leaders worldwide immediately doubted its veracity and, as it turned out, he definitely did not die of typhoid fever in Pakistan in August.

No, Osama Bin Laden has not yet kicked the turban.

Now, most of the world can only do two things: regret that he can still plot like the very devil against us but be glad he’s alive, so we still have a chance to play some role in helping him along to where he can no longer ply his villainous ways against us.

The rest of the world, who somehow finds merit in a man who not only killed thousands of innocent people and instigated the deaths of thousands more, but also finds it necessary to operate in such a way that he has an unusually high mortality rate among his employees, can continue to idolize the monster and be prepared to die for his perversely murderous mindset.

The truth of Bin Laden is that, as we all suspect, he is a spoiled rich kid we became compulsive about compensatory behavior and decided his role in life is to bomb sources of wealth, particularly, the great source he could excuse as being conducted by infidels, the USA, as emblazoned on the world’s consciousness as The World Trade Center. Only trouble is the tantrums of his disgruntled child within have cost a lot of wonderful, innocent people their lives and traumatized their families beyond description.

The other truth is he turned out to be a rat in every sense of the word, because when pursued he scurried into a hole where neither all the Pres’s men nor all the Pres’s allies can get him to come out again.

Now, the world need not turn its justifiably vengeful attention to Ayman al-Zawahiri, his terrorist sidekick.

Unfortunately, he’s a lapsed pediatrician, so apparently he remembers enough about sanitary practices to avoid water that might contain typhus. We can only be consoled that in each video he looks closer to falling over from old age and ill health, even while he’s recording his invocations to murder and mayhem.

But back to Bin Laden. He did not yet meet his end, but we can be certain that in time he, like most monsters, will run smack into it in a way that is consonant with how he chose to trouble us. If he were sane and conducted his life proudly as a responsible member of the Bin Laden family, he would not have found himself in a place where typhoid fever was a likely intruder in his domicile and, if by some chance, it did intrude, he would have received the most exquisite medical care, probably as an out patient.

But, as he has so far escaped capture by most of the world, he was somehow able, even when attacked by the typhoid germ, to evade arrest.

So, sadly enough, it’s not yet time to say, “Bye-bye, Binny!”

Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com , has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing “delightfully funny, " “witty, " with “great humor and ebullience" and “good, genuine laughs. "

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