Addictions

Samantha Gregory-Applewhite
 


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I unconsciously reach for another chocolate bar to ease my craving. As I unwrap the covering my mouth waters in anticipation of the first creamy bite. Joy fills my soul as my taste buds come in contact with the first chocolate piece and my body melts with each successive bite.

Why does chocolate have such an affect on me? What am I thinking as I anticipate having a morsel in my mouth? What causes the initial craving? Loneliness. That’s right loneliness. Nothing is so powerful or profound as the feeling of loneliness. It engulfs my mind and body though I may not necessarily be alone. The house may be full of people but I lack that small, essential element with the people I am surrounded with. A connection. Without connection I am like a lamp that’s not plugged in. My light does not shine, no one can see my beauty. The intricate details of my lamp shade are hidden. I am not useful or beneficial to any one. So I turn to my own source of hope, chocolate. For others it may be TV, drugs, alcohol, sex. Anything that will give you or me that sense of belonging.

Where or how does the loneliness begin? How did I become so disconnected? Some believe it starts in childhood, even infancy. Others believe it comes from being isolated later in life, from shyness, etc. Each individual is different. For this chocolate lover, it stems from the fear of rejection. Though considered talented, intelligent, and attractive I still deal with rejection on an internal level.

From a child I faced rejection because I didn’t look like people thought I should. I was quiet and reserved because I felt unacceptable. I was labeled mean when I defended myself from people’s attack on my physical and emotional person. I was never the most popular person, but was more of wall flower. These early experiences left an imprint on my soul and subsequent rejection by men has caused further isolation and feelings of loneliness. Now, instead of welcoming the glances of men I shun them, avert my eye, and allow opportunities to pass. Add the stigma of having two children out of wedlock and being divorced to the equation and you have a good recipe for loneliness and rejection.

So I reach for another piece of chocolate and promise myself I’ll get help for my issues another day. Happy eating!

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