Since I often write about cheating and affairs within a marriage, women will often approach me and ask something like “how can I be sure or know that my husband really still loves me after an affair, " or “he says he still loves me even after the affair, and I really want to believe him, but I just can't. " These women often believe that, had their husbands not been caught, the affair would've continued, and the husbands are only professing their love now because they have no other choice. They want to know how in the world a person can love their wives and yet cheat on them at the same time. The answer to these questions is a bit complex, but in this article, I hope to show you that it is actually possible for husbands to have an affair and still cheat on their wives because very often, the affair has less to do with you or the marriage's shortcomings and more to do with his personal ones.
First, Understanding Why Married Men Cheat: Women whose husbands had an affair will often assume the worst and immediately put the blame on their own shoulders. They will fear that they did something wrong, didn't keep their husbands happy at home, or have “let themselves go. " These things often are not as true as you might think. While all of these things can brew the perfect set of circumstances that can make an affair more likely, the real reason men cheat is because they feel bad about themselves. In other words, something within them is lacking. They often cheat to boost their self esteem, to make themselves feel alive, young, or powerful again. They are seeking “something more" in their life and they make the grave mistake of not communicating this to their wives, who, more often than not, would be receptive to these requests rather than seeing their marriage in the real trouble it's in now.
Understand That They Often Don't Think Anyone Will Get Hurt: Understand that often, as wrong as they are, men see an affair as a way to take care of their needs without having to hurt their wives. They often don't think you will find out and therefore won't be hurt. They can actually still love you you and the marriage, but they are often able to compartmentalize and they see the two things as completely separate from one another.
Things That Can Show You That Your Husband Still Loves You Even After The Affair: Often, when I am speaking with wives who have a hard time believing their husbands still love them after the cheating, I point out several signs that prove he does.
A husband who still loves his wife will take full responsibility for the affair and his decision to partake in it. He is willing to provide all of the details to ensure his wife that the affair is over. If this requires his switching jobs or making other sacrifices, he is willing to do that.
He is willing to do the work that will improve communication, trust, and intimacy with his wife to ensure that the marriage can be saved. He is willing to have patience as you try to process all of this and he provides you will the affection and reassurance that you need, but he doesn't push if you are not ready to be intimate again.
Finally, he's willing to provide accountability. He's patient when you want to know where he is. He knows that your healing may take a while and he's willing to help you through it.
Now, if your husband isn't doing all of these things, that doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. Sometimes, these things aren't intuitive to men and often, they just don't want to revisit the affair that much because they think that brushing it under the table will help you move past it since you aren't talking about it all of the time. Feel free to show your husband this article (or tell him the points in it) if you think it will help him to help you heal.
Can Love Really Return In Your Marriage After An Affair?: I know that it may hard to believe this right now, but your marriage can absolutely survive an affair. (My marriage is actually better now than it ever was. ) What is required though is that you openly and honestly communicate with your husband so that you get what you need to heal. You both need to understand why the affair happened and take action and do the necessary work to ensure that it doesn't happen again. Use the affair as a wake up call, not a death sentence. Because it can (although brutally) show you exactly what you need to change so that both of you are happy and fulfilled.
Couples are often able to greatly improve their communication and intimacy skills after an affair and this can bring them much closer. In the same way that any marital crisis can either push you apart or pull you together, an affair is often a cross roads in a marriage. It will either destroy you or it will elevate you to a higher place as you rise to beat it. I know first hand that it seems difficult and daunting right now, but I promise if you meet the day to day challenges with a determination that it won't beat you, you CAN get past it.
Although I never would've believe this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/